Marvel Pimps Out Thor. Told You So. (Slightly NSFW Edition)

 Well,as the title says,I fucking called it.
Those who may have paid attention to my blog or my channel may remember that about a year ago when Marvel announced that they would be introducing a new female Thor I pointed out that this was an obvious and blatant act of pandering to feminists that would be pointless,used to spread feminist propaganda, and ultimately would suck more than the collective lineup for naughty america.
Seriously, 2172 porn stars in 6803 videos cannot fuck enough to match what Marvel did their to own franchise in five issues.

Seriously, 2172 porn stars in 6803 videos cannot fuck enough to match what Marvel did to their own franchise in five issues.

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What I didn’t expect was how blatantly obvious they would be about it. A recent article from Breitbart drew my attention back to it, where they called out the obvious feminist attempts to co-opt the comic. You can read the article itself,but this event convinced me to go and actually read the comic for a bit; something which I had never opted to do before becuause I had literally not even a tenth of a fuck to give. But, I did it anyways and here we are. And all I can say is…………fuck.
Now I only read the first two and the fifth one, because those were the only ones I found to download online.And no, there is no way I was paying for this shit, fuck you. So it is entirely possible that the mid-two that I’m missing are better than the others but it would pretty much have to teleport a harem of Japanese prostitues into my room and come with free cake before it could even be considered halfway decent.
Now, if I could reiterate what was stated in the previous article, the main reason that this idea is stupid is that there is no possible reason to do it. Marvel is already full of female superheroes.They just aren’t as prominent because they don’t sell as well (for reasons we’ll get into another time),So if you want a female solo comic, there are dozens of already existing female characters with already existing fan bases to use.Or create an entirely new character.But no,instead they took a pre-existing character and chicked him out.And I do mean they chicked him out, they can’t go more than five pages without pointing out that Thor is now a girl,(but we’ll get to that later too). My point is that instead of trying to make a comic with a good female character that would hopefully sell well they took an existing male character and ruined his comic. Because feminists can never create, they can only co-opt and infect.
Oh, and to all of you bozos trying to defend this shit that keep saying “oh well Thor has been turned into a girl before!”. I know that. And it sucked then too. But at least the last time they did it it wasn’t a bunch of pandering ideological bullshit to the lowest common denominator, so shut up.
And it is not an exaggeration or an inaccuracy to say that this is made solely to pander to feminists.It is painfully, horrifically, ham-fistedly obvious that this was written by feminists. How is it obvious?Well let me go down the list:
1)Every male character including Odin and Thor are suddenly macho chauvanistic assholes who treat women as inferior.
2)Every female character is suddenly right and wise and virtuous and due to take their proper place if only the men wouldn’t stop them.
3)I mentioned this before but it bears repeating that every character focuses solely on the fact that Thor is a woman. In fact “Thorina” really has no character aside from being a woman and a feminist strong woman.Which makes her as interesting and compelling as you would think it does.
4)The character is treated as being special solely because she is a woman, despite the fact that she does nothing out of the ordinary for any other superhero and has no special qualities or accomplishments under her belt.In fact why she is even worthy of Thor’s hammer is beyond me,and the comic sure as hell doesn’t bother to tell us either.
I have some others, but you get my point. So let’s look at the comic itself.
The whole thing starts off with Odin being gone for a while and his wife Freyja being left in charge of things at home. Upon his return he finds out that Thor has lost his abilities to lift his hammer. Supposedly while battling on the moon Thor encountered Nick Fury (currently in possession of secrets gained from the Watcher). After the situation is resolved Fury leans over to Thor and whispers something into his ear.Upon hearing what Fury is whispering to him, Thor drops the hammer to the ground and is thereafter unable to pick it up.
………Because Fury whispered something.
I’ll repeat this:Fury whispered something to Thor that altered his mind, thought processes, personality, and soul so much that it rendered him instantly unworthy of being the God of Thunder.In fact so much so that Thor goes into a deep depression and by issue #5 is essentially a drunken lush who needs to be carried out of the bar by the Warriors Three as he mumbles piteously under his breath after getting a mug of ale tossed into his face by Lady Sif.
Nevermind that he lost his powers and got a shot in his worthy balls just before losing his arm.Leave it to Syf to kick him while he's down.

Nevermind that he lost his powers and got a shot in his worthy balls just before losing his arm.Leave it to Syf to kick him while he’s down.

 

The Mighty Thor, ladies and gentlemen.

The Mighty Thor, ladies and gentlemen.

Of course for some strange reason they never actually tell you what it was that Fury said to him.Now, if I were a cynical sort of person,I would say that this is because they had no good reason for this and are just trying to make it vague and mysterious to give themselves a bullshit barrier to retreat behind. That way when people call them out on how stupid it is they can claim it’s for a dramatic reveal or something. If I were a cynic. Instead I’ll just say that this is likely a case of leaving it vague for the purposes of inspiring drama and fan theories,keeping the readers interested in wanting to know more.
Anyways, the entirety of Asgard turns up around the broken and despondent Thor, who does not eat or sleep and has spent the previous days sitting half naked on the moon talking to his hammer like a heartbroken lover (so not kidding). Apparently each of the mightiest warriors and gods of Asgard tried to lift the hammer,I say apparently because they don’t bother to actually show this,and none of them could do it. So Odin comes in and gets the exposition on what happened, in the process managing to be both callous and a dick to his son, while blaming this all on leaving a woman in charge of Asgard.
Kudos to the writer for managing to go a whole four pages without having Odin say something misogynistic.I think that's a personal best for this series.

Kudos to the writer for managing to go a whole four pages without having Odin say something misogynistic.I think that’s a personal best for this series.

So since none of Asgards greatest and mightiest heroes can lift the hammer,Odin decides he’s had enough and goes to grab it himself…..and can’t lift it.
The father of the gods, the All-father, One-True Ruler of Asgard, Mightiest of all the Gods, the one who put the enchantment on the hammer in the first place…..cannot lift the hammer.
Why?Because FUCK YOU, that’s why.
The comic answers a lot of questions this way.
I wonder if the writer,when composing this, actually remembered that Odin is supposed to also be the God of Wisdom. I'm guessing no.

I wonder if the writer,when composing this, actually remembered that Odin is supposed to also be the God of Wisdom. I’m guessing no.

Odin throws a hissy fit like a little girl who didn’t get the pony for her birthday when he gets a message that the Frost Giants are invading Earth.To which Odin declares that none of that is their problem and it’s for them to get out of there, leaving humanity to get the Frost Giant Gangbang. Freyja tries to use her authority as All-Mother to rally the soldiers of Asgard to protect Earth, but Odin essentially tells her to get back in the kitchen where she belongs and they leave with the hammer still on the moon.
You know feminists, why not just have him tell her straight out, "Bitch, make me a sandwich!" Too subtle for you?

You know feminists, why not just have him tell her straight out, “Bitch, make me a sandwich!” Or would that be too subtle for you?

Thor does go to fight the Frost Giants, of course, but he gets his ass kicked and his arm cut off within the first few panels by Malekith. Who then wears it like a trophy throughout. He then gets tossed out into the ocean like garbage.
It's kind of subtle, but if you look close you can just see that middle finger sticking up, as a message to the fans.

It’s kind of subtle, but if you look close you can just see that middle finger sticking up, as a message to the fans from Marvel.

As the hammer sits there alone on the moon some unidentified woman picks it up without effort and for some reason BOOM! she’s Thor.
I can’t even begin to tell you all how astoundingly unimpressive this new Lady Thor is, by the way. Part of it is because there is literally nothing to this character aside from having the hammer and female lady bits. The comic implies that the woman who took up the hammer is some other woman from the Thor mythos, but they try to keep her identity secret and go out of their way not to give it away because there’s this whole subplot with real Thor trying to figure out who she is. This means that we only ever really see her interact with her foes,aside from a few other scenes with real Thor and Freyja, but we never see anything of her.
Brief Sidenote: Speaking of Freyja, you’ve seen how she looks in this comic so far?That withered,kind of matronly old woman? This is what she’s supposed to look like.
Apparently no one told the writer and the artist that, aside from love and beauty, Freyja  is primarily a war goddess. Probably the same asshole who forgot to tell them about Odin and wisdom.

Apparently no one told the writer and the artist that, aside from love and beauty, Freyja is primarily a war goddess. Probably the same asshole who forgot to tell them about Odin and wisdom.

Even the enemies just gawk at how weird the idea of a female Thor is like she’s a cheap carnival novelty act. Which she is, of course,but they shouldn’t make it obvious.
Another part of this is because what character she does have is utterly inconsistent from one moment to the next.When Thorette first transforms she essentially turns from whatever she looked like before into a female version of Thor.She also seems to have adopted Thors archaic method of speech and knowledge about Asgard and other things magical and mythical. Along with her spoken words she has constant thought bubbles remarking on what she’s doing as though she’s an observer while her body is doing the work.The effect it gives is like she’s actually being possessed by Thor, but still aware of it.Yet she demonstrates that she’s also in control of her actions to at least some extent so it’s a very strange thing that you end up with.
The voice in her head makes her sound like an in over their head rookie who has no idea of what they are doing or how to fight,and I can’t tell you how lame this is, because it essentially means that she’s not actually doing any of this on her own.The hammer (which is what the entity using her body is implied to be) is propping her up and doing everything for her. There’s one part in the second book where she actually asks the hammer to let her take the lead and do something.She shows absolutely no strength of will or character, no particular bravery or any redeeming qualities that might make her a worthy successor of Thor.She just hits shit and blows it up with lightening and doesn’t even do that on her own.She doesn’t even demonstrate any particular level of intelligence or wisdom.Certainly no tactical knowledge.
She runs into a group of Frost Giants, she hits them with the hammer and blasts them with lightening (I think that’s what she did anyways,the artwork is such shit I could be wrong,but she shot blue lines of stuff at them). She runs into the next group of Frost Giants, she throws her hammer at them, losing it in the process. She runs into the Absorbing Man and Titania……and she wins through the power of feminism and the Sisterhood.
I am not fucking kidding.But I’ll save that crowning turd to be flushed last.
Stay tuned for Part 2 because we still have a lot of ground to cover in this.Right now I need to play some Skyrim and cleanse my palette.
Fucking feminists.
 
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Let’s Review Huniepop

 So I haven’t actually done anything game related in a while, thus I figured I should do a review of the new game that I recently got last week. Which a lot of you have probably heard of already Huniepop.
Now for those who don’t know,Huniepop is a puzzle game that labours under the impression that it’s also a dating sim.Which was kind of a disappointment to me as I backed it on the idea that it was a real dating sim, which is a type of game I happen to enjoy, but there just aren’t enough good adult ones out there. When I say that it’s under the impression that it’s a dating sim I mean that it has some of the window dressing one would associate with a dating sim but none of the functionality.
You do go out with girls sure, you talk to them, ask them questions,buy them gifts, etc. Just like one would expect to do in a dating sim, but none of it has any real effect in the, you know, dating part. Your relationship advances solely through completion of the puzzle game aspects. Talking to the girls and giving them gifts or paying attention to them serves no other purpose than to level grind for XP, which the game calls “hunie”;and that XP is only spent on giving you bonuses to the puzzle game,meaning the dating pretensions are really only an excuse plot to provide a story justification for playing the puzzle game over and over and to explain why you get sexy pics afterwards. Since you get cash from the puzzle date whether you succeed or fail and there are tons of gifts you can buy to score Hunie and other power ups; once you get used to the puzzle game you can max out every girl fairly easily without ever actually talking to them…..and I did.
That's some good characterization there.

That’s some good characterization there.

Talking to the girls amounts to asking them basic questions about themselves such as birthdate, job or measurements, them quizzing you to see whether you remember their answers,and the occasional random question from them chosen from only three or four potential random questions per girl. Whether you get them right or wrong doesn’t really effect anything because it will just come up again later and there’s really no sense of depth or personality to each girl that you can date beyond the superficial stereotype half of them fit into. Nikki is an introverted gamer-girl nerd who wears frumpy and unfashionable clothes and has incredibly limited social skills, because obviously the designers are aware of their target demographic. Audrey is the drug-addled party girl/megabitch who uses her looks to exploit money and gifts from men while treating everyone around her like shit.Who is, for some reason that is never explained apparently good friends with the introverted nerd, despite the only time you see them together being a bitchfight between the two. Jessie is a sex-crazed cougar, Momo is a flighty,energetic catgirl who spends all of her time trying to be increasingly cute, you get my point.Essentially each girl has one character trait played to the hilt and that’s about it.You will never learn anything meaningful about them and you will care about them only in so far as their shallow character trait fits your specific fetish and makes you warm in your private spots.
The four unlockable girls are even padded out in their dialogue by asking you various trivia questions on cats, celestial events and other past things in the game in lieu of anything story-related or getting to know them as characters.
The thing is,there’s literally nothing else to do besides talking to the girls.You literally go from one girl to the next over and over again.There is no point in the game where you are never not conversing with them. Which means you will hear the same dialogue….a lot.At least until you have enough hunie to max out your stats for the puzzle game, which won’t take long if you’re trying to max all of them.Then interacting with them at all becomes utterly irrelevant besides initiating the puzzle game.
In a dating sim the actions that you take and the conversations that you have with the girl are supposed to raise or lower her affections, effecting the outcome of the relationship.Each character has their own unique path and story arc. Endings are dependent upon the girls that you choose, statistics which effect your relationships, time limits and scheduling of your time and resources. You know, things to simulate how dating and such works in real life.
In Huniepop there is none of that.Each girl has the same dialogue interactions.There is no storyline to speak of in the game generally and certainly not one for each girl. For that matter there’s no ending to the game or failure conditions for the relationship. The way that you treat them or talk to them means nothing.You can be the most sexist, emotionally abusive prick you want and as long as you can score a few three in a rows in the puzzle game they’ll still whip off their panties and get on their backs begging for your…..huniepop.
Now, as harsh as I’m being about this, don’t think that the dating sim aspect is bad per se. It really isn’t. Just pointless and shallow. The girls look good, their art design is well done, they all have very distinctive looks which match their personalities.Or at least what little personality they have. Every girl has several unlockable hairstyle and clothing items that they can wear, and the game is good enough to record which answers the girls give to your questions so that you can easily remember them for the inevitable quizzes that come up.
Since the beginning of time man has stared up at the sky and wondered, "Can I tap that?"

Since the beginning of time man has stared up at the sky and wondered, “Can I tap that?”

      They actually put quite a bit of work and polish into what they did and they did it well, it’s just they didn’t do the right things to make it an actual dating sim instead of just tacked on useless shit. And you would think that if you were going to market your game as a dating sim/puzzle game you would at least take the time to play a few dating sims and see how they were put together. There are some games that do blend in dating sims well with other game styles like Persona 3 and 4, or the harvest moon series. In those series the dating sim aspects are an important part of gameplay.Even older dos dating sims like True Love are far, far superior to this. Here you could have removed the dating sim parts, kept the girls and just used the puzzle game to get them to advance a story and the game would have been much tighter and better designed as the dating aspects are really just in the way and again, serve no purpose.
The puzzle game is really what Huniepop is all about. And in that respect it’s actually very nearly perfect.The puzzle portion is essentially just a variant of bejewelled, which isn’t the criticism it probably sounds like because it certainly does make sense to use something as popular and well-loved as bejeweled. And most importantly, they did a good job of copying it, not a half-assed job like a lot of even AAA game companies do when they borrow mechanics from other games. They also added in some nice variations to the normal bejeweled gameplay in order to make the system their own.
You have various tokens in place of jewels which represent ways that you can hit on your date.Anything from showing off your talent to harmless flirting, or blatant sexual come ons. You get points for matching up symbols three in a row or more, but each girl has one type of come on that she likes more than others and some that she barely likes at all. You have to get enough points within twenty moves to make the girl happy and advance her to the next level of the relationship. Which doesn’t actually change anything in their behaviour or dialogue, but gets you one step closer to getting her panties peeled.
There are tokens you can match up that look like hearts which multiple your future number of points, tokens that give you extra moves, and tokens that allow you to build up sentiment points for you to use special items that produce various effects to help you out. And there are quite a lot of these special items as well. Which is a good thing since you’ll need them all because whenever you complete a puzzle the next puzzle instantly increases in difficulty regardless of which girl you were doing it with before.So the difficulty will steadily increase a lot which is why you’ll need hunie from either the pseudo-dating sim talks or buying gifts to boost up your traits to help you with the puzzles…..and you will need them.
I never actually liked Bejeweled itself but I did very much like playing the puzzle game in Huniepop.It was fun and actually just had more or less the right level and progression of challenge to i. It was very obvious that the team put a lot of work into making the whole thing shine and sparkle.As I said,you could have removed the pseudo-dating sim and easily carried the game on just the cute girls and puzzle games alone.
Now when it gets to the sex scene that’s a slightly different story.
The sex scenes have you playing a slight variation of the puzzle game where you just have to match the tokens three in a row and rack up a certain score in order to get your partner to curl your toes and proclaim you a raging sex god.You have infinite tries but here, in what can only be described as the most erect of dick moves, your score quickly drops every second.And I mean very quickly.You have to continuously score three in a rows and combos and you can’t stop to take your breath for even a moment if you really want to win this part, especially on the higher difficulties.It takes some getting used to because you kind of have to train your brain to see the patterns and react quickly, but until that happens this sections WILL piss you off.
The real problem with this section is the dropping score, I can understand why they do it but the issue is that there’s a certain degree of luck to this part since you have no time to form strategies. What this means is that your score can drop back down to zero from the tiniest distraction or from having to pay attention to something else for even a second. And because of the random nature you won’t always be able to get multiple combos and if all you’re getting is three in a rows the score will actually drop faster than you can possibly increase it. Mind you the game is programmed well enough that you’ll get a lot of incidental multiple combos and you won’t ever not have a move that you can make so you’ll get off easy there.But the inability to take a break for even a second is more than a little aggravating. Especially since you can be there for five to ten minutes at a time, depending on your luck and skill level trying to get enough combos.
The bottom line though, is Hunipop a great game. Absolutely. My annoyances and disappointments with the lack of a real dating sim aside, the game is well-put together a polished. The puzzle game, which is the real central mechanic works almost flawlessly and is a good variation on a classic system. The designs are good.The girls are cute, if shallow and inconsistently characterized,and there’s still quite in doing the puzzles to unlock all of their sex scenes that it will at least give you your ten dollars worth.And as repetitive as the dialogue will get eventually, it is in most cases very funny.Making it worth hearing at least once.
On the other side.The voice acting is of inconsistent quality.A lot of the things added on are ultimately pointless,and there’s much more that should have been done with it that wasn’t.
But.Overall Huniepop is a great game and it was worth backing on kickstarter.So props to the designers and I hope that they do a sequel that delivers on their promises next time.
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Techraptor, Can We Please Not Do This?

 Techraptor made a small article the other day about the game HuniePop. Asking the question of whether or not HuniePop was the perfect feminist game. Because naturally it can’t just be a good game on it’s own rights.
Now,let’s ignore for a moment that it’s pretty obvious that they’re just going for blatant clickbait on this one. Here’s my problem with this.
Guys at Techraptor, knock this off, please.As a personal favour to me.
See when you do things like this all you do is play the game that they’re trying to get you to play.
Yeah sure, 80% of the people involved were female, but it’s a puzzle game (a genre predominantly played by women) with nothing but female characters in it who are, by necessity, voiced by female voice actors.I’d be more surprised if there were mostly men involved in making it then if there were mostly women.
But the fact that there are lots of girls involved in the making of it should not make any difference in anyway. What matters, the only thing that should matter, is whether or not it’s a good game.That’s it,Techraptor.It’s that simple. Did the devs do a good job.Not did they do a good job, and have several different varieties of private parts.
Can't imagine why feminists don't like this game.

Can’t imagine why feminists don’t like this game.

By bringing up all of this “Is it a good feminist game,made by women,wide and diverse female characters,blah,blah,blah” you’re allowing yourself to be drawn into the sexist and bigoted narrative that these scuttlefucks want to use to advance their agenda.They want to turn everything into a quota, or make everything about having so many women or minorities involved. That’s their game.I realize that you think that you’re trying to defend, but you’re really just lending legitimacy to their bullshit complaints.
And it will never work,Techraptor. Even if you start making up stories like you did about the depth of the characters and how it represents women so well it will never work.Even if it was true.
But….I’ll get to that next.I’m going to do a review of the game myself either tomorrow or Sunday.
My point is that these are feminists. They don’t actually care about how many women made the game or any of that shit that you were talking about. That’s just lip service and the trojan horse by which they conceal their real agenda to get it through the gates. Who cares if it is a feminist game? Feminists are idiots, sexists, and bigots. If you start catering to their narrative all you do is give them a leg through the door.
Leave the pointless gender shit to the pointless gender-focused people.
All that matters is whether or not it is a good game.And yes it is…..more or less. The gender of the people who made it doesn’t matter.NOr does the gender of the characters or anything else.Is it a good game, are the characters good. That’s it.

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