Once More,The New Thor

 It took a while longer to do this second part than I thought. Partly because I’ve been recovering from an injury,and partly because in the interim I decided that I’d go down the road of hypocrisy and actually buy the two missing comics, since I couldn’t pirate them. It cost me almost ten dollars and believe me I feel dirty and cheated. Like I paid to have sex with a transvestite goat……in a tutu.
I will say, in the interests of fairness, that the third book is thankfully the least offensive out of the five (though it still sucks). The fourth one, however is like getting a cucumber shoved up your anal passage, just to ease you up and make way for the inserted iron-gloved fist that book five is.
I mentioned at the end of the last part that the artwork for the comic sucks and it does for the most part, but I probably made it sound slightly worse than it actually is. The artwork is not horrendous and not in all places,but it is pretty bad, at least when not doing close up panels. When the artist is focusing in on something like a particular face or is relatively close up to something the art tends to be fairly good, not great, but fairly good. However in larger panels or panels that are more pulled back to show a greater scene, the art then takes a downturn. likely because the artist got lazy at having to draw a bunch of stuff and so didn’t define things properly or put the same level of time and work into it. Faces tend to resemble more lumps of flesh with black spots that could perhaps be called eyes located somewhere in their mass.With a few strange lines added here or there to reflect textures of facial features. Half the time Real Thor looks more flabby than chiseled and muscular and Fem Thor…..
Look, about FemThor, I’m actually not sure at the reason behind her design. Part of me wants to blame this on the books feminist slant, but another part of me thinks that this really is just incompetence on the artists part and I’m not really sure which.But I’m going to bet that this is a feminist thing about the bodies characters are given in comics. Especially in light of the bullshit with the character designs in DoAlast week.
What I’m referring to is that Fem Thor is drawn very slim for the most part, lacking any curves or with little bustline to speak of.In fact as far as comics go she’s relatively flat.Granted this could also be the shitty art,but…..Look allow me to explain.This isn’t so much about sex appeal as it about the natureof a visual medium.
When drawing something in a visual medium it is often hard to convey certain nuances of the human body that would be obvious in real life, but are not easily translated to simply drawings, such as age. If you pay attention to drawn mediums you will notice certain consistencies in the way characters are portrayed depending on where they fit in. Older male characters will generally stand larger and have much more developed muscle mass than younger male characters who will generally stand smaller and have a more wiry frame. Male characters who rely on speed and agility will be muscled.but more lean and more along the lines of a normally muscled human as opposed to the ripped body builders other males have in order to make them look strong and mature, but like they can move around fast and nimbly. This is because things like the face cannot convey age, so you have to rely on secondary characteristics like the shape and type of body to separate the aduls from the young teens.
The chiseled, lantern jaw on a male makes the character look strong and heroic.Hence why it is so common.If a character has is an anti-hero expect them to be dressed in black, or leather, and carry guns, you get the idea.A medium such as comics uses visual imagery to convey ideas to the reader, otherwise you would may as well be looking at a real book.
The same is true in the arena of females in drawn mediums.Older females will be drawn with more developed and defined bodily structures because curvy hips and bodies are associated with maturity. The same holds true for the size of the bust.You will notice a direct correlation to the age of the character and the size of their chest.The larger women will be the adults while all of the teenagers will be generally less developed. Again, because it’s a visual shortcut to show maturity and age, and comics are a visual medium.
Cute,but not very threatening.

Cute,but not very threatening.

Hot and Badass.She will end you.

Hot and Badass.She will end you.

It’s also a visual shortcut for strength. Having curves and a large bustsize makes a female look more solidly built and more powerful and physically intimidating. Compare say Black Canary to Arrowette. Which one looks like she can kick your ass? You can actually see this directly at work in comics by looking at who the most powerful characters are. In DC Wonder Woman and PowerGirl are the powerhouse female characters and ,not uncoincidentally are the largest as well. Same with She-Hulk in the marvel universe.
The point that I’m getting at is this. Fem Thor looks like a fifteen year old girl.This is acknowledged in the comic too,one of the first things that happens when she faces her opponents for the first time is that they comment on how scrawny she is.There are several times when the way she’s drawn makes her look like that helmet and outfit are a size too big for her.This wouldn’t be so bad if they were trying to subvert the notion of an obviously mighty hero like Princess Powerful in the Runaways, but they aren’t. They very clearly want this Thor to be taken seriously as an impressive warrior figure.And she isn’t.When she fights Absorbing Man the first panel makes him look almost twice her size.This character is so incredibly unimpressive as a superhero.
Seriously,his hands look like they could palm her whole head,helmet and all.

Seriously,his hands look like they could palm her whole head,helmet and all.

One important thing that I notice now after having read all of the comics that exist right now is that Thorina is essentially useless in this story.Five comics in and she has done absolutely nothing of any significance to the story.She spends issues 2 and 3 just smacking around Frost Giants which does nothing (actually the whole Frost Giant invasion ends up being bafflingly pointless), issue 4 fighting Thor (which is pointless and only serves to try and shill the idea that she’s more worthy than him down our throat, even though she still does nothing that makes her worthy), and issue 5 she fights Absorbing Man in the name of feminism (which again is utterly pointless) and has a pointless talk with Freyja. The entire plot is carried out by all of the other characters.Real Thor is still more of a protagonist in this comic than she is.
Anyways, to go back to where I was before, after Malekiths fuck you to the fans of wearing Thor’s severed arm around his neck like a fur stole he and his Frost Giants chase Dario Agger into the basement of his facility where he’s keeping the skull of Lauffey. Which Malekith wants and he’s manipulating the Frost Giants to get.
Confronted by a group of Frost Giants directly in his path Agger begins to coolly pull off his glasses to reveal his glowing red eyes while letting forth with a badass comment, fully ready to get dangerous…..when Thorette comes crawling up from out of the ground in a badly drawn couple of panels. Essentially stopping the about to happen bad ass action scene in its tracks so everyone can gape at her. Instead of the awesome fight that had just been set up we get Thor crawling (not flying mind you,she could have burst through flying but I guess that would have been exciting) but crawling up through the floor while everyone stares at her stupidly. Effectively the main character herself is cock-blocking the action scenes in this comic.
Looks like the beginning of an awesome battle between a psychopathic villain and an army of frost giants....nah fuck it.Where's the bland boring heroine?

Looks like the beginning of an awesome battle between a psychopathic villain and an army of frost giants….nah fuck it.Where’s the bland boring heroine?

We take a few panels for the men to have the now-obligatory conversation where they laugh at and mock the idea of a female Thor.Pointing out how small and scrawny she is and that she’s a poor imitation of Thor. Which they’re right about, of course, but the comic doesn’t seem to realize it.
Men always mock and disparage women who try to do male jobs.Get it! Get it! We're so SUBTLE!

Men always mock and disparage women who try to do male jobs.Get it! Get it! We’re so SUBTLE!

I do have to wonder why they’re being so dickish about the idea of fighting a woman though.These are Asgardian creatures.Norse mythology and Asgard are filled with women who routinely kick so much ass they wear perfume specifically designed to remove buttock smell. Not to mention the huge number of female non-norse superheroes that exist in comic books. You would think they would know better than to mock or underestimate a character just because she’s a girl.Well I don’t actually wonder why because we all know why.
Assholes.
In a brilliant new tactical move,Thorelle throws her hammer at them, which zips around the room under it’s own volition and smacks all of the Giants (because the hammer can suddenly do things on it’s own now), but the hammer isn’t quite that smart apparently as it ends up on the other side of a closing door away from our main character. Apparently this presents a problem as Thorella quickly loses her powers if separated from the hammer.Why?……..I got nothing.
Thorina tries to break down the door with puny little arms but can’t because it’s supposedly enchanted as well as being made out of something very tough.Which is why the hammer can’t come back to her and just pounds on the door impotently.
Behold the mighty arm of Thor.

Behold the mighty arm of Thor.

Of course the hammer can pass through solid objects, dispel magic, and teleport, not to mention that since it’s obviously now sentient it should be able to figure out to maybe try the wall or the floor, but I’m sure the writer thought of that and just didn’t want to burden us with the explanation.
Realizing she’s kind of screwed she turns back to Malekith and banters with him for a while as he gloats about what he did to Thor.She tries to act tough with her words but her thought bubbles say otherwise, and I can’t help but think that she’s wasting a lot of time talking while her power is supposed to be draining away from not having her hammer anymore.And if you have a weapon that causes you to lose your powers if you’re separated from it for more than a few minutes, why the fuck would you throw it in combat?
Seems kind of stupid to me.
The Giants play another round of “let’s stand here and loudly point out how lame this female superhero is” before one of them decides to kill Miss Thor by simply spitting on her.Which kind of sums up a lot of peoples feelings on this comic.She dodges until their leader gets bored, freezes her and eats her.
Of course you all know what’s obviously coming next, she blows him up from the inside in a show of force that would be kind of impressive with a better artist.Before proceeding to hand all of them their asses in a very boring display of combat.
Wonderful art.A giant clusterfuck of various blues.There will certainly be no problem in conveying the action if you do that.

Wonderful art.A giant clusterfuck of various blues.There will certainly be no problem in conveying the action if you do that.

I suppose I should explain that. If you’ve been paying attention you’ve probably realized already that one of the big problems with Thoranna is that she’s a Mary Sue. At no point in these comics is she ever really in danger nor does she even get hit. Throughout all five issues, in which pretty much all she does is fight, the only time she gets hit is once in her battle with Thor.Kind of, it’s hard to tell with the artwork. Every opponent she fights, she basically just one-shots. Of course the Frost giants end up screaming in fear at what a mighty warrior she is…..but she really isn’t.Hell she barely even ever throws a punch.I think she throws two punches out of all five comics.Mostly she hits people with other stuff, or lightening.What?Is she afraid to break a fucking nail?
You can seriously break down her entire repertoire of combat moves as this:Charge at enemy and hit it with hammer/hastily improvised weapon, throw hammer, blast with lightening. That’s it.I just described every fight move to you.Even Thor doesn’t actually challenge her, she’s just not really fighting back because she doesn’t want to hurt him.
During this time Malakith used his magic to go through the door into the vault after Agger,which apparently the hammer can’t do for some reason.And FemThor goes back to frantically trying to open up the door beforeher powers fade.
While she’s doing this a Frost Giant starts to sneak up behind her hoping to stab her in the back…….no seriously, a Frost Giant actually sneaks up on her.But the door suddenly opens, the hammer comes whipping out and blows through the Giants head, because why should she have to do anything.
It’s at this point that Thor shows up,now with a new arm forged by the dwarves and demands his hammer back.For some strange reason more than a little perturbed, and when Thorentina makes the mistake of accidentally insulting him he attacks her, which starts the fight between them, and honestly this is the one part of the comics so far that is actually decent.Not great, but certainly decent. Thor gets progressively more pissed off as the battle rages on, largely at seeing how much of a copy she is.He even lampshades the fact that she talks exactly like him. The writer tries to portray this as though Thors being hot-headed and stubborn without reason, but he has every reason to be pissed off right now so it kind of falls flat. Especially since at this point, his mother is missing and he thinks FemThor is responsible. Thorina makes no real effort to calm his rage either.Aside from a token sentence in the beginning most of the fight all she does is try to smack talk back to him.It never occurs to her to say something like “I don’t know what happened to your mother, but if you’ll just listen to me for a moment I’ll help you find her.” Or actually answer a question or two, she just kind of dicks him around and starts telling him how the hammer chose her as the worthy one. Because that will, of course, completely make him willing to listen to her. So it makes her claiming that he’s being unnecessarily hot-headed ring a little hollow.
What’s actually funny is that in the process of the fight they actually argue about which of them is worthy….and Thordame can’t actually come up with an argument for her worth. The best she can manage is to repeat that the hammer chose her…..for some reason.Thor, meanwhile, makes an awesome argument for why he should wield the hammer. That he has wielded the hammer through countless battles, he has fought with the hammer, died for the hammer, and he is prepared to die for it again.
But fuck that,apparently.The hammer zips around and smacks down a few more Frost Giants before flying back to her hand, totally dissing Thor. He stands there stunned at what the hammer just did, remarking that it never behaved like that for him, and this convinces him that she actually was chosen by the hammer to be the Goddess of Thunder……WHY?
They beat up the Frost Giants in a single panel and all the time Thor monologues to himself about how much better Mjolnir is in her hands, which makes sense I suppose because she barely uses any of its powers or seems to acknowledge any of the many things it can do, instead just smacking things and hitting them with lightening.And as he sees how great she supposedly is he says that he dies inside pitifully. Where the fuck is our God of Thunder and how did he get replaced with this whiny bitch?
Once the Gianst are dead Malekith takes off, but just to add another stake through the hearts of the fans, he takes Thor’s severed arms and torches it to cinders.Because Marvel hates its fans just that much apparently. I think it would have been less offensive if they had just come up to every fans door, rung the bell and pissed on your living rug, but I guess they wanted to send a message.
Ahhhh,I love the burning smell of "fuck you"in the morning.

Ahhhh,I love the burning smell of “fuck you”in the morning.

On her way to fight the Frost Giants, Thorita had seen a bunch of people trapped in ice, she didn’t bother to help them or anything of course, and they both go back to get them out. Turns out it was Freyja and a company of warriors from Asgard. Since Odin had abandoned Earth,she went behind his back and led a company of warriors to Earth to fight alongside the Avengers.
Gee,thanks for not showing us that part, comic. Why would we want to watch something as awesome as the armies of Asgard and Earths mightiest superheroes teaming up to fight an army of Giants, when we can watch Thor get his arm cut off and defenstrated into the ocean.
And I hate to bring this up again,but Freyja is a War Goddess.How does she get taken out by a few Frost Giants,when even a depowered, one-armed Thor could walk through them?
So,since Thorette is a Mary Sue, everyone now has to stand around and Marvel at how awesome she was for fighting the Frost giants and stopping the invasion, even though we just finished establishing that the real Thor could have wiped them out on his own, powers or not. So what exactly she did that was so special, we have no idea. But apparently she is so awesome that Thor gives her his name.Literally, he is now the Odinson onlyaccording to him.She is now Thor in powers and name. Why?
Because FUCK YOU,that’s why!
Thor gives up his name due to the bizarre whims of a magical metal mcguffin. Or is it just horrible writing?

Thor gives up his name due to the bizarre whims of a magical metal mcguffin. Or is it just horrible writing?

This comic ends with Malekith approaching Agger and offering to buy the item from him what he was trying to steal with the Frost Giant army. To which Agger readily agrees….yeah remember what I said before about that whole invasion thing being bafflingly pointless?
I’m going to just go fast through the last one because most of the problems with these scenes I’ve already pointed out,so it would be repetitive, and ultimately there’s one big problem with this issue and I don’t want to have to go over it multiple times. Basically here are the highlights.
1)Odin becomes and even more massive dick and is now a flat-out Stalinesque tyrant and villain. Who treats his wife and favoured son like dirt.He also frees his psychotic mass-murder brother and makes him his chief inquisitor, and is so obsessed with getting rid of female Thor that it is all-consuming and distracts him from all other concerns.
2)Freyja arranges a secret meeting with Thorelle to warn her about Odin and they share a little girl power moment about how they’re both women willing to defy what the men tell them they can’t do.
3)Thor gets drunk and pathetic in a bar and has to be carried out by the warriors three.
That’s pretty much it.
Except for the big one.
I saved this one for last because it’s the one that’s the most obvious example of what I’ve been talking about the most rage-inducing. This is the scene that prompted the article on Breitbart and caused fanboys to rage.
It starts in a sort of side scene in which Thorelle is fighting Crusher Creel the Absorbing Man, and his wife Titania. Creel is one of the classic Thor villains and one of Thors most powerful foes to fight.Along with his wife,who is one of the most powerful female characters in Marvel universe.So you’re thinking, ooohhhhh, finally a tough fight.A good chance for Thorena to show us finally that she’s got some real fighting chops and might actually be a decent Thor.
You can probably already guess it’s not going to end like that.
First, take a look at this panel.
Damn feminists are ruining everything?Huh?You know I seem to recall that sentiment coming from a lot of the comic book fans who were complaining about this comic........probably a coincidence, right?

Damn feminists are ruining everything?Huh?You know I seem to recall that sentiment coming from a lot of the comic book fans who were complaining about this comic……..probably a coincidence, right?

Next panel.

Get your own identity....that is what all of the detractors of this comic have been saying.So in other words they're using Crushing Creel,a walking neanderthallish thug, as a mouthpiece for the people that are criticizing them....huh...well I'm sure that they have a reasonable and intelligent counterargument to that amd will support their position rationally.

Get your own identity….that is what all of the detractors of this comic have been saying.So in other words they’re using Crushing Creel,a walking neanderthallish thug, as a mouthpiece for the people that are criticizing them….huh…well I’m sure that they have a reasonable and intelligent counterargument to that amd will support their position rationally.

Further down.
Yeah,I'm sure you knew where that was going.

Yeah,I’m sure you knew where that was going.

So that’s their response to their detractors.She just punches him,breaking his jaw, for disparaging feminism. So basically the writer’s and skid stains at Marvel couldn’t actually address their critics directly because they clearly had no defense for this bullshit.So they put a bunch of strawman arguments into the mouth of a brutish thug and had their Lady Thor show them what-for with her fists of feminist fury.
Are you happy,Marvel?Are you really?You just used wasted five comic pages,quite a bit of money, employed bad writing and characterization, all to win a goddamn argument on the internet.You have officially turned the Thor comic into Sonichu.You may as well just put Chris-chan on the payroll.
So to place the cherry topping on this shit sundae Titania decides to show up about then.Upon seeing Dame Thor she has the typical surprise of seeing a woman acting as Thor….then knocks her husband out and surrenders in the name of the sisterhood.No seriously, take a look.
I WILL respect your vagina.I will bow before it!

I WILL respect your vagina.I will bow before it!

Same broken old record.

Same broken old record.

The Power of Vagina Comels You!

The Power of Vagina Comels You!

If you ever hear someone say to you that Marvel is not doing this to pander to and whore themselves out to feminists, just show them this issue. Seriously, could this be anymore blatant?It would have been more subtle if Thorelle had just premptively broke into a song and dance number about how men are always trying to keep women down while holding a copy of the SCUM Manifesto.
By the way,for those who don’t know about Titania one of her main character traits is that she is obsessed with being the strongest woman in the world.It’s why she hates She-Hulk so much.Sooooooo, one would think that now that there’s a female Thor she would go straight for her and try to establish who wears the Mommy-panties.
Instead she gives SheThor a frakkin Girl Power pass.Meaning that we get another action cockblock and She Thor wins because vagina.
I want to make this clear.In the course of five issues, The Mighty Female Thor,The Great Warrior who is worthy of wielding the legendary hammer Mjolnir. has only managed to defeat a few Frost Giant mooks.Every major villain has either escaped,been let away,or has surrendered for a contrived and audience-insulting reason.
I was not kidding when I said before that this character is utterly worthless to the plot.You could literally just remove her and everything would have stayed exactly the same.She fights the Frost giants in the second and third issues yes, but by the time she gets to the actual villains and real conflict Thor has arrived too.Which means that if she wasn’t there,Thor would have shown up at the exact same time to handle things,and again, Malekith just runs away anyhow.The conversation she has with Freyja is irrelevant to the plot as well, and the whole girl-power-go-feminism scene with Titania and Creel was just a pointless aside that was tossed into the issue so that they could deliver their go-gyno-go message and pummel their strawman critics.There is not a single thing that this character does which has any bearing of any kind on the plot.Real Thor,even with no hammer and one arm, is still far more of a protagonist than this scrawny little piece of feminist fluff is.
And this basically accentuates the glaring problem that overwhelms the entire comic. That as everyone has pointed out before, it’s a feminist propaganda vehicle and nothing more.And just like every other one of it’s kind it sucks because it has to sacrifice telling any sort of decent story in order to perpetuate it’s ideological narrative.
SheThor is, at her core, just a vehicle for feminist commentary about what it’s like for a woman to be trying to do a job traditionally done by a man. Or at least how they imagine it is for a woman to do such a thing.Every character talks about her as if she is a woman first and foremost, before she is any real person, in fact almost every scene has someone mention at least once that she’s a woman trying to fill Thors shoes. The men all make fun of her for being inadequate and doing a mans job, telling her she can’t do the job as well as a man, and we’re supposed to take her side and recognize her as a strong and tough woman who is not just as good as a man,but better. Except that, they’re right.She is completely inferior to the man she’s replacing.
Hell, the only reason she even has a comic is because they used writer fiat to take the powers away from the man and give it to her.She’s powerful and special only because the hammer says so.With no endearing qualities because the only quality she needs to display is the shallow feminist-induced qualities that she needs to make their case.
One of the largest flaws with feminisms pretensions to trying to teach society to think of women as strong is that they don’t understand how strength works. They think of strength as some kind of default state which one has by virtue of birth and just needs to be recognized by everyone else. Of course a strong person doesn’t need to have themselves validated like that, but that’s a bit complex for them.Which is why they keep demanding to be treated like strong women and equals to men.
What they don’t grasp is that strength is not bestowed by common consensus. It’s earned, it’s forged through trial and suffering. It’s proven. The reason men are considered to be strong is because traditionally men are the ones who do the hard work.Men are the ones who fight the wars and suffer to protect and defend their loved ones.It isn’t that some group got together one day and decided that we should label all men strong and all women weak. And this applies to women too,the women we think of as strong in real life are the ones who have fought and overcome the difficulties of life.
We don’t think they are strong simply because they are women. Having a vajayjay does not make you strong, anymore than having a pee-pee does. But feminists want to be strong because they’re women, not because they really are strong.They want the perks,but not the work.Because they can’t do the work. In any sort of merit-based system they lose spectacularly.
Compare SheThor to real Thor in this. Thor spends all four issues fighting to save Midgaard from the Frost Giants, despite being constantly knocked down and kicked around by his hammer and even losing his arm to the villains.At no point does he waver in this, even at the worst of times. He fights constantly to protect the people of the world that he calls home, no matter what it costs him, and it costs him a lot in this comic.
SheThor does nothing useful,suffers nothing, has nothing to overcome, and the only time she actually gets in any sort of trouble is because she was stupid and lost her hammer on the other side of a closing door.
To quote Linkara “Our hero,ladies and gentlemen”.
Also to quote Linkara “This comic sucks”.
Even if you fix all of the technical flaws and ignore the genderflipping and degredation of a beloved superhero, the plot is dull and relies on fiat, the characters are horrible and unlikely,and the hero of the story isn’t.
Fuck this shit comic,Fuck Marvel,and Fuck this insipid blonde bimbo they put in a red cape.
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Marvel Pimps Out Thor. Told You So. (Slightly NSFW Edition)

 Well,as the title says,I fucking called it.
Those who may have paid attention to my blog or my channel may remember that about a year ago when Marvel announced that they would be introducing a new female Thor I pointed out that this was an obvious and blatant act of pandering to feminists that would be pointless,used to spread feminist propaganda, and ultimately would suck more than the collective lineup for naughty america.
Seriously, 2172 porn stars in 6803 videos cannot fuck enough to match what Marvel did their to own franchise in five issues.

Seriously, 2172 porn stars in 6803 videos cannot fuck enough to match what Marvel did to their own franchise in five issues.

FireShot Screen Capture #319 - 'HD Porn Videos, Porn Site with Hottest Girls, Watch Porn Movies Now' - tour_naughtyamerica_com__&path=&nats=4_4_8_8_1169_0_0_0_0

What I didn’t expect was how blatantly obvious they would be about it. A recent article from Breitbart drew my attention back to it, where they called out the obvious feminist attempts to co-opt the comic. You can read the article itself,but this event convinced me to go and actually read the comic for a bit; something which I had never opted to do before becuause I had literally not even a tenth of a fuck to give. But, I did it anyways and here we are. And all I can say is…………fuck.
Now I only read the first two and the fifth one, because those were the only ones I found to download online.And no, there is no way I was paying for this shit, fuck you. So it is entirely possible that the mid-two that I’m missing are better than the others but it would pretty much have to teleport a harem of Japanese prostitues into my room and come with free cake before it could even be considered halfway decent.
Now, if I could reiterate what was stated in the previous article, the main reason that this idea is stupid is that there is no possible reason to do it. Marvel is already full of female superheroes.They just aren’t as prominent because they don’t sell as well (for reasons we’ll get into another time),So if you want a female solo comic, there are dozens of already existing female characters with already existing fan bases to use.Or create an entirely new character.But no,instead they took a pre-existing character and chicked him out.And I do mean they chicked him out, they can’t go more than five pages without pointing out that Thor is now a girl,(but we’ll get to that later too). My point is that instead of trying to make a comic with a good female character that would hopefully sell well they took an existing male character and ruined his comic. Because feminists can never create, they can only co-opt and infect.
Oh, and to all of you bozos trying to defend this shit that keep saying “oh well Thor has been turned into a girl before!”. I know that. And it sucked then too. But at least the last time they did it it wasn’t a bunch of pandering ideological bullshit to the lowest common denominator, so shut up.
And it is not an exaggeration or an inaccuracy to say that this is made solely to pander to feminists.It is painfully, horrifically, ham-fistedly obvious that this was written by feminists. How is it obvious?Well let me go down the list:
1)Every male character including Odin and Thor are suddenly macho chauvanistic assholes who treat women as inferior.
2)Every female character is suddenly right and wise and virtuous and due to take their proper place if only the men wouldn’t stop them.
3)I mentioned this before but it bears repeating that every character focuses solely on the fact that Thor is a woman. In fact “Thorina” really has no character aside from being a woman and a feminist strong woman.Which makes her as interesting and compelling as you would think it does.
4)The character is treated as being special solely because she is a woman, despite the fact that she does nothing out of the ordinary for any other superhero and has no special qualities or accomplishments under her belt.In fact why she is even worthy of Thor’s hammer is beyond me,and the comic sure as hell doesn’t bother to tell us either.
I have some others, but you get my point. So let’s look at the comic itself.
The whole thing starts off with Odin being gone for a while and his wife Freyja being left in charge of things at home. Upon his return he finds out that Thor has lost his abilities to lift his hammer. Supposedly while battling on the moon Thor encountered Nick Fury (currently in possession of secrets gained from the Watcher). After the situation is resolved Fury leans over to Thor and whispers something into his ear.Upon hearing what Fury is whispering to him, Thor drops the hammer to the ground and is thereafter unable to pick it up.
………Because Fury whispered something.
I’ll repeat this:Fury whispered something to Thor that altered his mind, thought processes, personality, and soul so much that it rendered him instantly unworthy of being the God of Thunder.In fact so much so that Thor goes into a deep depression and by issue #5 is essentially a drunken lush who needs to be carried out of the bar by the Warriors Three as he mumbles piteously under his breath after getting a mug of ale tossed into his face by Lady Sif.
Nevermind that he lost his powers and got a shot in his worthy balls just before losing his arm.Leave it to Syf to kick him while he's down.

Nevermind that he lost his powers and got a shot in his worthy balls just before losing his arm.Leave it to Syf to kick him while he’s down.

 

The Mighty Thor, ladies and gentlemen.

The Mighty Thor, ladies and gentlemen.

Of course for some strange reason they never actually tell you what it was that Fury said to him.Now, if I were a cynical sort of person,I would say that this is because they had no good reason for this and are just trying to make it vague and mysterious to give themselves a bullshit barrier to retreat behind. That way when people call them out on how stupid it is they can claim it’s for a dramatic reveal or something. If I were a cynic. Instead I’ll just say that this is likely a case of leaving it vague for the purposes of inspiring drama and fan theories,keeping the readers interested in wanting to know more.
Anyways, the entirety of Asgard turns up around the broken and despondent Thor, who does not eat or sleep and has spent the previous days sitting half naked on the moon talking to his hammer like a heartbroken lover (so not kidding). Apparently each of the mightiest warriors and gods of Asgard tried to lift the hammer,I say apparently because they don’t bother to actually show this,and none of them could do it. So Odin comes in and gets the exposition on what happened, in the process managing to be both callous and a dick to his son, while blaming this all on leaving a woman in charge of Asgard.
Kudos to the writer for managing to go a whole four pages without having Odin say something misogynistic.I think that's a personal best for this series.

Kudos to the writer for managing to go a whole four pages without having Odin say something misogynistic.I think that’s a personal best for this series.

So since none of Asgards greatest and mightiest heroes can lift the hammer,Odin decides he’s had enough and goes to grab it himself…..and can’t lift it.
The father of the gods, the All-father, One-True Ruler of Asgard, Mightiest of all the Gods, the one who put the enchantment on the hammer in the first place…..cannot lift the hammer.
Why?Because FUCK YOU, that’s why.
The comic answers a lot of questions this way.
I wonder if the writer,when composing this, actually remembered that Odin is supposed to also be the God of Wisdom. I'm guessing no.

I wonder if the writer,when composing this, actually remembered that Odin is supposed to also be the God of Wisdom. I’m guessing no.

Odin throws a hissy fit like a little girl who didn’t get the pony for her birthday when he gets a message that the Frost Giants are invading Earth.To which Odin declares that none of that is their problem and it’s for them to get out of there, leaving humanity to get the Frost Giant Gangbang. Freyja tries to use her authority as All-Mother to rally the soldiers of Asgard to protect Earth, but Odin essentially tells her to get back in the kitchen where she belongs and they leave with the hammer still on the moon.
You know feminists, why not just have him tell her straight out, "Bitch, make me a sandwich!" Too subtle for you?

You know feminists, why not just have him tell her straight out, “Bitch, make me a sandwich!” Or would that be too subtle for you?

Thor does go to fight the Frost Giants, of course, but he gets his ass kicked and his arm cut off within the first few panels by Malekith. Who then wears it like a trophy throughout. He then gets tossed out into the ocean like garbage.
It's kind of subtle, but if you look close you can just see that middle finger sticking up, as a message to the fans.

It’s kind of subtle, but if you look close you can just see that middle finger sticking up, as a message to the fans from Marvel.

As the hammer sits there alone on the moon some unidentified woman picks it up without effort and for some reason BOOM! she’s Thor.
I can’t even begin to tell you all how astoundingly unimpressive this new Lady Thor is, by the way. Part of it is because there is literally nothing to this character aside from having the hammer and female lady bits. The comic implies that the woman who took up the hammer is some other woman from the Thor mythos, but they try to keep her identity secret and go out of their way not to give it away because there’s this whole subplot with real Thor trying to figure out who she is. This means that we only ever really see her interact with her foes,aside from a few other scenes with real Thor and Freyja, but we never see anything of her.
Brief Sidenote: Speaking of Freyja, you’ve seen how she looks in this comic so far?That withered,kind of matronly old woman? This is what she’s supposed to look like.
Apparently no one told the writer and the artist that, aside from love and beauty, Freyja  is primarily a war goddess. Probably the same asshole who forgot to tell them about Odin and wisdom.

Apparently no one told the writer and the artist that, aside from love and beauty, Freyja is primarily a war goddess. Probably the same asshole who forgot to tell them about Odin and wisdom.

Even the enemies just gawk at how weird the idea of a female Thor is like she’s a cheap carnival novelty act. Which she is, of course,but they shouldn’t make it obvious.
Another part of this is because what character she does have is utterly inconsistent from one moment to the next.When Thorette first transforms she essentially turns from whatever she looked like before into a female version of Thor.She also seems to have adopted Thors archaic method of speech and knowledge about Asgard and other things magical and mythical. Along with her spoken words she has constant thought bubbles remarking on what she’s doing as though she’s an observer while her body is doing the work.The effect it gives is like she’s actually being possessed by Thor, but still aware of it.Yet she demonstrates that she’s also in control of her actions to at least some extent so it’s a very strange thing that you end up with.
The voice in her head makes her sound like an in over their head rookie who has no idea of what they are doing or how to fight,and I can’t tell you how lame this is, because it essentially means that she’s not actually doing any of this on her own.The hammer (which is what the entity using her body is implied to be) is propping her up and doing everything for her. There’s one part in the second book where she actually asks the hammer to let her take the lead and do something.She shows absolutely no strength of will or character, no particular bravery or any redeeming qualities that might make her a worthy successor of Thor.She just hits shit and blows it up with lightening and doesn’t even do that on her own.She doesn’t even demonstrate any particular level of intelligence or wisdom.Certainly no tactical knowledge.
She runs into a group of Frost Giants, she hits them with the hammer and blasts them with lightening (I think that’s what she did anyways,the artwork is such shit I could be wrong,but she shot blue lines of stuff at them). She runs into the next group of Frost Giants, she throws her hammer at them, losing it in the process. She runs into the Absorbing Man and Titania……and she wins through the power of feminism and the Sisterhood.
I am not fucking kidding.But I’ll save that crowning turd to be flushed last.
Stay tuned for Part 2 because we still have a lot of ground to cover in this.Right now I need to play some Skyrim and cleanse my palette.
Fucking feminists.
 
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Let’s Review Huniepop

 So I haven’t actually done anything game related in a while, thus I figured I should do a review of the new game that I recently got last week. Which a lot of you have probably heard of already Huniepop.
Now for those who don’t know,Huniepop is a puzzle game that labours under the impression that it’s also a dating sim.Which was kind of a disappointment to me as I backed it on the idea that it was a real dating sim, which is a type of game I happen to enjoy, but there just aren’t enough good adult ones out there. When I say that it’s under the impression that it’s a dating sim I mean that it has some of the window dressing one would associate with a dating sim but none of the functionality.
You do go out with girls sure, you talk to them, ask them questions,buy them gifts, etc. Just like one would expect to do in a dating sim, but none of it has any real effect in the, you know, dating part. Your relationship advances solely through completion of the puzzle game aspects. Talking to the girls and giving them gifts or paying attention to them serves no other purpose than to level grind for XP, which the game calls “hunie”;and that XP is only spent on giving you bonuses to the puzzle game,meaning the dating pretensions are really only an excuse plot to provide a story justification for playing the puzzle game over and over and to explain why you get sexy pics afterwards. Since you get cash from the puzzle date whether you succeed or fail and there are tons of gifts you can buy to score Hunie and other power ups; once you get used to the puzzle game you can max out every girl fairly easily without ever actually talking to them…..and I did.
That's some good characterization there.

That’s some good characterization there.

Talking to the girls amounts to asking them basic questions about themselves such as birthdate, job or measurements, them quizzing you to see whether you remember their answers,and the occasional random question from them chosen from only three or four potential random questions per girl. Whether you get them right or wrong doesn’t really effect anything because it will just come up again later and there’s really no sense of depth or personality to each girl that you can date beyond the superficial stereotype half of them fit into. Nikki is an introverted gamer-girl nerd who wears frumpy and unfashionable clothes and has incredibly limited social skills, because obviously the designers are aware of their target demographic. Audrey is the drug-addled party girl/megabitch who uses her looks to exploit money and gifts from men while treating everyone around her like shit.Who is, for some reason that is never explained apparently good friends with the introverted nerd, despite the only time you see them together being a bitchfight between the two. Jessie is a sex-crazed cougar, Momo is a flighty,energetic catgirl who spends all of her time trying to be increasingly cute, you get my point.Essentially each girl has one character trait played to the hilt and that’s about it.You will never learn anything meaningful about them and you will care about them only in so far as their shallow character trait fits your specific fetish and makes you warm in your private spots.
The four unlockable girls are even padded out in their dialogue by asking you various trivia questions on cats, celestial events and other past things in the game in lieu of anything story-related or getting to know them as characters.
The thing is,there’s literally nothing else to do besides talking to the girls.You literally go from one girl to the next over and over again.There is no point in the game where you are never not conversing with them. Which means you will hear the same dialogue….a lot.At least until you have enough hunie to max out your stats for the puzzle game, which won’t take long if you’re trying to max all of them.Then interacting with them at all becomes utterly irrelevant besides initiating the puzzle game.
In a dating sim the actions that you take and the conversations that you have with the girl are supposed to raise or lower her affections, effecting the outcome of the relationship.Each character has their own unique path and story arc. Endings are dependent upon the girls that you choose, statistics which effect your relationships, time limits and scheduling of your time and resources. You know, things to simulate how dating and such works in real life.
In Huniepop there is none of that.Each girl has the same dialogue interactions.There is no storyline to speak of in the game generally and certainly not one for each girl. For that matter there’s no ending to the game or failure conditions for the relationship. The way that you treat them or talk to them means nothing.You can be the most sexist, emotionally abusive prick you want and as long as you can score a few three in a rows in the puzzle game they’ll still whip off their panties and get on their backs begging for your…..huniepop.
Now, as harsh as I’m being about this, don’t think that the dating sim aspect is bad per se. It really isn’t. Just pointless and shallow. The girls look good, their art design is well done, they all have very distinctive looks which match their personalities.Or at least what little personality they have. Every girl has several unlockable hairstyle and clothing items that they can wear, and the game is good enough to record which answers the girls give to your questions so that you can easily remember them for the inevitable quizzes that come up.
Since the beginning of time man has stared up at the sky and wondered, "Can I tap that?"

Since the beginning of time man has stared up at the sky and wondered, “Can I tap that?”

      They actually put quite a bit of work and polish into what they did and they did it well, it’s just they didn’t do the right things to make it an actual dating sim instead of just tacked on useless shit. And you would think that if you were going to market your game as a dating sim/puzzle game you would at least take the time to play a few dating sims and see how they were put together. There are some games that do blend in dating sims well with other game styles like Persona 3 and 4, or the harvest moon series. In those series the dating sim aspects are an important part of gameplay.Even older dos dating sims like True Love are far, far superior to this. Here you could have removed the dating sim parts, kept the girls and just used the puzzle game to get them to advance a story and the game would have been much tighter and better designed as the dating aspects are really just in the way and again, serve no purpose.
The puzzle game is really what Huniepop is all about. And in that respect it’s actually very nearly perfect.The puzzle portion is essentially just a variant of bejewelled, which isn’t the criticism it probably sounds like because it certainly does make sense to use something as popular and well-loved as bejeweled. And most importantly, they did a good job of copying it, not a half-assed job like a lot of even AAA game companies do when they borrow mechanics from other games. They also added in some nice variations to the normal bejeweled gameplay in order to make the system their own.
You have various tokens in place of jewels which represent ways that you can hit on your date.Anything from showing off your talent to harmless flirting, or blatant sexual come ons. You get points for matching up symbols three in a row or more, but each girl has one type of come on that she likes more than others and some that she barely likes at all. You have to get enough points within twenty moves to make the girl happy and advance her to the next level of the relationship. Which doesn’t actually change anything in their behaviour or dialogue, but gets you one step closer to getting her panties peeled.
There are tokens you can match up that look like hearts which multiple your future number of points, tokens that give you extra moves, and tokens that allow you to build up sentiment points for you to use special items that produce various effects to help you out. And there are quite a lot of these special items as well. Which is a good thing since you’ll need them all because whenever you complete a puzzle the next puzzle instantly increases in difficulty regardless of which girl you were doing it with before.So the difficulty will steadily increase a lot which is why you’ll need hunie from either the pseudo-dating sim talks or buying gifts to boost up your traits to help you with the puzzles…..and you will need them.
I never actually liked Bejeweled itself but I did very much like playing the puzzle game in Huniepop.It was fun and actually just had more or less the right level and progression of challenge to i. It was very obvious that the team put a lot of work into making the whole thing shine and sparkle.As I said,you could have removed the pseudo-dating sim and easily carried the game on just the cute girls and puzzle games alone.
Now when it gets to the sex scene that’s a slightly different story.
The sex scenes have you playing a slight variation of the puzzle game where you just have to match the tokens three in a row and rack up a certain score in order to get your partner to curl your toes and proclaim you a raging sex god.You have infinite tries but here, in what can only be described as the most erect of dick moves, your score quickly drops every second.And I mean very quickly.You have to continuously score three in a rows and combos and you can’t stop to take your breath for even a moment if you really want to win this part, especially on the higher difficulties.It takes some getting used to because you kind of have to train your brain to see the patterns and react quickly, but until that happens this sections WILL piss you off.
The real problem with this section is the dropping score, I can understand why they do it but the issue is that there’s a certain degree of luck to this part since you have no time to form strategies. What this means is that your score can drop back down to zero from the tiniest distraction or from having to pay attention to something else for even a second. And because of the random nature you won’t always be able to get multiple combos and if all you’re getting is three in a rows the score will actually drop faster than you can possibly increase it. Mind you the game is programmed well enough that you’ll get a lot of incidental multiple combos and you won’t ever not have a move that you can make so you’ll get off easy there.But the inability to take a break for even a second is more than a little aggravating. Especially since you can be there for five to ten minutes at a time, depending on your luck and skill level trying to get enough combos.
The bottom line though, is Hunipop a great game. Absolutely. My annoyances and disappointments with the lack of a real dating sim aside, the game is well-put together a polished. The puzzle game, which is the real central mechanic works almost flawlessly and is a good variation on a classic system. The designs are good.The girls are cute, if shallow and inconsistently characterized,and there’s still quite in doing the puzzles to unlock all of their sex scenes that it will at least give you your ten dollars worth.And as repetitive as the dialogue will get eventually, it is in most cases very funny.Making it worth hearing at least once.
On the other side.The voice acting is of inconsistent quality.A lot of the things added on are ultimately pointless,and there’s much more that should have been done with it that wasn’t.
But.Overall Huniepop is a great game and it was worth backing on kickstarter.So props to the designers and I hope that they do a sequel that delivers on their promises next time.
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