Marvel Pimps Out Thor. Told You So. (Slightly NSFW Edition)

 Well,as the title says,I fucking called it.
Those who may have paid attention to my blog or my channel may remember that about a year ago when Marvel announced that they would be introducing a new female Thor I pointed out that this was an obvious and blatant act of pandering to feminists that would be pointless,used to spread feminist propaganda, and ultimately would suck more than the collective lineup for naughty america.
Seriously, 2172 porn stars in 6803 videos cannot fuck enough to match what Marvel did their to own franchise in five issues.

Seriously, 2172 porn stars in 6803 videos cannot fuck enough to match what Marvel did to their own franchise in five issues.

FireShot Screen Capture #319 - 'HD Porn Videos, Porn Site with Hottest Girls, Watch Porn Movies Now' - tour_naughtyamerica_com__&path=&nats=4_4_8_8_1169_0_0_0_0

What I didn’t expect was how blatantly obvious they would be about it. A recent article from Breitbart drew my attention back to it, where they called out the obvious feminist attempts to co-opt the comic. You can read the article itself,but this event convinced me to go and actually read the comic for a bit; something which I had never opted to do before becuause I had literally not even a tenth of a fuck to give. But, I did it anyways and here we are. And all I can say is…………fuck.
Now I only read the first two and the fifth one, because those were the only ones I found to download online.And no, there is no way I was paying for this shit, fuck you. So it is entirely possible that the mid-two that I’m missing are better than the others but it would pretty much have to teleport a harem of Japanese prostitues into my room and come with free cake before it could even be considered halfway decent.
Now, if I could reiterate what was stated in the previous article, the main reason that this idea is stupid is that there is no possible reason to do it. Marvel is already full of female superheroes.They just aren’t as prominent because they don’t sell as well (for reasons we’ll get into another time),So if you want a female solo comic, there are dozens of already existing female characters with already existing fan bases to use.Or create an entirely new character.But no,instead they took a pre-existing character and chicked him out.And I do mean they chicked him out, they can’t go more than five pages without pointing out that Thor is now a girl,(but we’ll get to that later too). My point is that instead of trying to make a comic with a good female character that would hopefully sell well they took an existing male character and ruined his comic. Because feminists can never create, they can only co-opt and infect.
Oh, and to all of you bozos trying to defend this shit that keep saying “oh well Thor has been turned into a girl before!”. I know that. And it sucked then too. But at least the last time they did it it wasn’t a bunch of pandering ideological bullshit to the lowest common denominator, so shut up.
And it is not an exaggeration or an inaccuracy to say that this is made solely to pander to feminists.It is painfully, horrifically, ham-fistedly obvious that this was written by feminists. How is it obvious?Well let me go down the list:
1)Every male character including Odin and Thor are suddenly macho chauvanistic assholes who treat women as inferior.
2)Every female character is suddenly right and wise and virtuous and due to take their proper place if only the men wouldn’t stop them.
3)I mentioned this before but it bears repeating that every character focuses solely on the fact that Thor is a woman. In fact “Thorina” really has no character aside from being a woman and a feminist strong woman.Which makes her as interesting and compelling as you would think it does.
4)The character is treated as being special solely because she is a woman, despite the fact that she does nothing out of the ordinary for any other superhero and has no special qualities or accomplishments under her belt.In fact why she is even worthy of Thor’s hammer is beyond me,and the comic sure as hell doesn’t bother to tell us either.
I have some others, but you get my point. So let’s look at the comic itself.
The whole thing starts off with Odin being gone for a while and his wife Freyja being left in charge of things at home. Upon his return he finds out that Thor has lost his abilities to lift his hammer. Supposedly while battling on the moon Thor encountered Nick Fury (currently in possession of secrets gained from the Watcher). After the situation is resolved Fury leans over to Thor and whispers something into his ear.Upon hearing what Fury is whispering to him, Thor drops the hammer to the ground and is thereafter unable to pick it up.
………Because Fury whispered something.
I’ll repeat this:Fury whispered something to Thor that altered his mind, thought processes, personality, and soul so much that it rendered him instantly unworthy of being the God of Thunder.In fact so much so that Thor goes into a deep depression and by issue #5 is essentially a drunken lush who needs to be carried out of the bar by the Warriors Three as he mumbles piteously under his breath after getting a mug of ale tossed into his face by Lady Sif.
Nevermind that he lost his powers and got a shot in his worthy balls just before losing his arm.Leave it to Syf to kick him while he's down.

Nevermind that he lost his powers and got a shot in his worthy balls just before losing his arm.Leave it to Syf to kick him while he’s down.

 

The Mighty Thor, ladies and gentlemen.

The Mighty Thor, ladies and gentlemen.

Of course for some strange reason they never actually tell you what it was that Fury said to him.Now, if I were a cynical sort of person,I would say that this is because they had no good reason for this and are just trying to make it vague and mysterious to give themselves a bullshit barrier to retreat behind. That way when people call them out on how stupid it is they can claim it’s for a dramatic reveal or something. If I were a cynic. Instead I’ll just say that this is likely a case of leaving it vague for the purposes of inspiring drama and fan theories,keeping the readers interested in wanting to know more.
Anyways, the entirety of Asgard turns up around the broken and despondent Thor, who does not eat or sleep and has spent the previous days sitting half naked on the moon talking to his hammer like a heartbroken lover (so not kidding). Apparently each of the mightiest warriors and gods of Asgard tried to lift the hammer,I say apparently because they don’t bother to actually show this,and none of them could do it. So Odin comes in and gets the exposition on what happened, in the process managing to be both callous and a dick to his son, while blaming this all on leaving a woman in charge of Asgard.
Kudos to the writer for managing to go a whole four pages without having Odin say something misogynistic.I think that's a personal best for this series.

Kudos to the writer for managing to go a whole four pages without having Odin say something misogynistic.I think that’s a personal best for this series.

So since none of Asgards greatest and mightiest heroes can lift the hammer,Odin decides he’s had enough and goes to grab it himself…..and can’t lift it.
The father of the gods, the All-father, One-True Ruler of Asgard, Mightiest of all the Gods, the one who put the enchantment on the hammer in the first place…..cannot lift the hammer.
Why?Because FUCK YOU, that’s why.
The comic answers a lot of questions this way.
I wonder if the writer,when composing this, actually remembered that Odin is supposed to also be the God of Wisdom. I'm guessing no.

I wonder if the writer,when composing this, actually remembered that Odin is supposed to also be the God of Wisdom. I’m guessing no.

Odin throws a hissy fit like a little girl who didn’t get the pony for her birthday when he gets a message that the Frost Giants are invading Earth.To which Odin declares that none of that is their problem and it’s for them to get out of there, leaving humanity to get the Frost Giant Gangbang. Freyja tries to use her authority as All-Mother to rally the soldiers of Asgard to protect Earth, but Odin essentially tells her to get back in the kitchen where she belongs and they leave with the hammer still on the moon.
You know feminists, why not just have him tell her straight out, "Bitch, make me a sandwich!" Too subtle for you?

You know feminists, why not just have him tell her straight out, “Bitch, make me a sandwich!” Or would that be too subtle for you?

Thor does go to fight the Frost Giants, of course, but he gets his ass kicked and his arm cut off within the first few panels by Malekith. Who then wears it like a trophy throughout. He then gets tossed out into the ocean like garbage.
It's kind of subtle, but if you look close you can just see that middle finger sticking up, as a message to the fans.

It’s kind of subtle, but if you look close you can just see that middle finger sticking up, as a message to the fans from Marvel.

As the hammer sits there alone on the moon some unidentified woman picks it up without effort and for some reason BOOM! she’s Thor.
I can’t even begin to tell you all how astoundingly unimpressive this new Lady Thor is, by the way. Part of it is because there is literally nothing to this character aside from having the hammer and female lady bits. The comic implies that the woman who took up the hammer is some other woman from the Thor mythos, but they try to keep her identity secret and go out of their way not to give it away because there’s this whole subplot with real Thor trying to figure out who she is. This means that we only ever really see her interact with her foes,aside from a few other scenes with real Thor and Freyja, but we never see anything of her.
Brief Sidenote: Speaking of Freyja, you’ve seen how she looks in this comic so far?That withered,kind of matronly old woman? This is what she’s supposed to look like.
Apparently no one told the writer and the artist that, aside from love and beauty, Freyja  is primarily a war goddess. Probably the same asshole who forgot to tell them about Odin and wisdom.

Apparently no one told the writer and the artist that, aside from love and beauty, Freyja is primarily a war goddess. Probably the same asshole who forgot to tell them about Odin and wisdom.

Even the enemies just gawk at how weird the idea of a female Thor is like she’s a cheap carnival novelty act. Which she is, of course,but they shouldn’t make it obvious.
Another part of this is because what character she does have is utterly inconsistent from one moment to the next.When Thorette first transforms she essentially turns from whatever she looked like before into a female version of Thor.She also seems to have adopted Thors archaic method of speech and knowledge about Asgard and other things magical and mythical. Along with her spoken words she has constant thought bubbles remarking on what she’s doing as though she’s an observer while her body is doing the work.The effect it gives is like she’s actually being possessed by Thor, but still aware of it.Yet she demonstrates that she’s also in control of her actions to at least some extent so it’s a very strange thing that you end up with.
The voice in her head makes her sound like an in over their head rookie who has no idea of what they are doing or how to fight,and I can’t tell you how lame this is, because it essentially means that she’s not actually doing any of this on her own.The hammer (which is what the entity using her body is implied to be) is propping her up and doing everything for her. There’s one part in the second book where she actually asks the hammer to let her take the lead and do something.She shows absolutely no strength of will or character, no particular bravery or any redeeming qualities that might make her a worthy successor of Thor.She just hits shit and blows it up with lightening and doesn’t even do that on her own.She doesn’t even demonstrate any particular level of intelligence or wisdom.Certainly no tactical knowledge.
She runs into a group of Frost Giants, she hits them with the hammer and blasts them with lightening (I think that’s what she did anyways,the artwork is such shit I could be wrong,but she shot blue lines of stuff at them). She runs into the next group of Frost Giants, she throws her hammer at them, losing it in the process. She runs into the Absorbing Man and Titania……and she wins through the power of feminism and the Sisterhood.
I am not fucking kidding.But I’ll save that crowning turd to be flushed last.
Stay tuned for Part 2 because we still have a lot of ground to cover in this.Right now I need to play some Skyrim and cleanse my palette.
Fucking feminists.
 
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Marvel Should Not Be So Proudly Presenting the New Thor

Marvel comics has come forward today to announce their new superhero. Though whether this character is truly “new” or not could be a matter of debate. Marvel has decided to reimagine the Thor comics by introducing him as a her.
FemThor? Thorfem? Femore? No, maybe Thorgirl? I'll think of something.

FemThor? Thorfem? Femore? No, maybe Thorgirl? I’ll think of something.

Thor is apparently now no longer worthy of wielding his power as the God of Thunder. So Mjolnir has found a new wielder in a brand new female hero who has proven her worth and emerged as the new Mighty Thor. Marvel editor Will Moss has said that “The inscription on Thor’s hammer reads ‘Whosoever holds this hammer, if HE be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.’ Well it’s time to update that inscription.”It is a change that Marvel is calling “shocking” and “exciting”.
I call it fucking sad and pathetic. Marvel has prostituted itself out to some really idiotic people with stupid ideas in the past. There was the ridiculously complicated Clone Saga, then One More Day;of which the less said about the better. There was Storm marrying Black Panther, which is something I will never forgive Marvel for until the day they all burn in the flames of hell. Or Emma Frost hooking up with Cyclops, an event for which everyone involved should be anally-probed with rusted out chainsaws dipped in battery acid. But now they’re trying to pander to the absolute lowest aspect of humanity, feminists and the social justice crowd.
Fuck.
Jason Aaron, who will be writing the series, has gone on record as saying that this is not going to be “Lady Thor”, or “She-Thor”, or “Thorita”. This is Thor, the one true Thor of the Marvel Universe. Meanwhile the Thor that everyone is largely aware of will apparently be deemed “unworthy” of his powers and no longer be able to wield his hammer. Which makes it seem likely that they’re making a calculated effort to leave room to bring back the original Thor when this idea goes tits-up.
There is seriously so much that is wrong with this bullshit that we had to do bullet points just to sort it out. So here are all of the reasons, just off the top of our head that this is a fucking stupid idea.
  • It is being done not to make a better story, but simply to pander to idiots. There is no story reason to make the change. It won’t make Thor comics inherently better to mess up the lore like this. It is not a narrative change. It is being done for no other reason than pure pandering. It is terrible writing, it is terrible marketting, it is terrible business, it is plainly and simply a terrible idea.
  • Thor is based on a character from mythical lore. That character is not female. So making him a female for no reason messes up the lore.
    Look, let’s be honest here. I know Jason Aaron tried to say that this character will not be “She-Thor” but yes, she will exactly be “She-Thor” you dumbass ink-jockey. Just because you say “This is Thor” does not mean it is. Thor is not just whatever asshole wields his electrically enhanced phallic symbol. He is a character with thoughts, personality, friends, loved ones, enemies and history. He is the son of Odin, the brother of Loki. Guardian of Midgard. You can’t just go off and turn some vacant-eyed bimbo into Thor just because you don’t like the fact that the inscription on the hammer is gender specific. The inscription is that whosoever wields the hammer will posses the power of Thor. Not be Thor. Beta Ray Bill and Thunderstrike can wield the hammer too, but they are not Thor.
  • It sends the message that the only way to make a decent female superhero is if you take a male superhero and give it female reproductive organs. A female character can’t stand on her own merits, she has to have a male character do all the work for her. Then once the hard work is done and the franchise is established the little lady can take over. This is, of course, how feminism has always operated but you don’t have to apply the same principles to your comics.
  • They’re doing this to appeal to women, when there were already dozens of existing female characters that could have been used and given their own series. I can think of ten already existing female characters just off the top of my head that I would like to see have a series of their own (see below). They could have highlighted the female heroes they have, rather than take a male hero who’s very popular and change him for the purposes of riding the original Thors cape.

 

 

  • As mentioned above, they are doing this to appeal to women. To get them reading comics, except women weren’t reading comics before despite all of the perfectly good female superheroes they had. That’s why there aren’t a lot of singular female superheroes with their own comics. If women had been interested in, and supported those comics and characters before this wouldn’t be an issue now. But they didn’t, and they still won’t because it’s not a pasttime most women care about. That’s why you don’t see these same femfucks who are bitching about these things writing their own comic books. Because they don’t really care about the comics or the characters. They just care about getting everyone else to do what they want them to.
But don’t take it from me. Listen to some of the fans.
FireShot Screen Capture #048 - 'Marvel Proudly Presents Thor I News I Marvel_com' - marvel_com_news_comics_2014_7_15_22875_marvel_proudly_presents_thor FireShot Screen Capture #049 - 'Marvel Proudly Presents Thor I News I Marvel_com' - marvel_com_news_comics_2014_7_15_22875_marvel_proudly_presents_thor FireShot Screen Capture #050 - 'Marvel Proudly Presents Thor I News I Marvel_com' - marvel_com_news_comics_2014_7_15_22875_marvel_proudly_presents_thor
FireShot Screen Capture #051 - 'Marvel Proudly Presents Thor I News I Marvel_com' - marvel_com_news_comics_2014_7_15_22875_marvel_proudly_presents_thor
Look Marvel, try to understand this. It does not matter what you do to appease feminists. They will whine and bitch regardless because, surprise, they’re a bunch of whiny bitches. Complaining and playing the victim is all that gets these people up in the morning and allows them to make it through their normal day. Shit like this won’t matter because it’s not really about women to them, it’s about power. The power to play the victim and to get their way because of it. The women who actually read comics are not going to give a shit about this. The ones who are bitching are the ones who don’t really read comics, but feel that somewhere someway, there is some segment of reality that is not exactly the way they want it. You cannot appease them, you cannot reason with them, they do not feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are their slave.
Note:There is now a new blogpost on this topic regarding the recent issues of the comic.Click here to view it.
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