Once More,The New Thor

 It took a while longer to do this second part than I thought. Partly because I’ve been recovering from an injury,and partly because in the interim I decided that I’d go down the road of hypocrisy and actually buy the two missing comics, since I couldn’t pirate them. It cost me almost ten dollars and believe me I feel dirty and cheated. Like I paid to have sex with a transvestite goat……in a tutu.
I will say, in the interests of fairness, that the third book is thankfully the least offensive out of the five (though it still sucks). The fourth one, however is like getting a cucumber shoved up your anal passage, just to ease you up and make way for the inserted iron-gloved fist that book five is.
I mentioned at the end of the last part that the artwork for the comic sucks and it does for the most part, but I probably made it sound slightly worse than it actually is. The artwork is not horrendous and not in all places,but it is pretty bad, at least when not doing close up panels. When the artist is focusing in on something like a particular face or is relatively close up to something the art tends to be fairly good, not great, but fairly good. However in larger panels or panels that are more pulled back to show a greater scene, the art then takes a downturn. likely because the artist got lazy at having to draw a bunch of stuff and so didn’t define things properly or put the same level of time and work into it. Faces tend to resemble more lumps of flesh with black spots that could perhaps be called eyes located somewhere in their mass.With a few strange lines added here or there to reflect textures of facial features. Half the time Real Thor looks more flabby than chiseled and muscular and Fem Thor…..
Look, about FemThor, I’m actually not sure at the reason behind her design. Part of me wants to blame this on the books feminist slant, but another part of me thinks that this really is just incompetence on the artists part and I’m not really sure which.But I’m going to bet that this is a feminist thing about the bodies characters are given in comics. Especially in light of the bullshit with the character designs in DoAlast week.
What I’m referring to is that Fem Thor is drawn very slim for the most part, lacking any curves or with little bustline to speak of.In fact as far as comics go she’s relatively flat.Granted this could also be the shitty art,but…..Look allow me to explain.This isn’t so much about sex appeal as it about the natureof a visual medium.
When drawing something in a visual medium it is often hard to convey certain nuances of the human body that would be obvious in real life, but are not easily translated to simply drawings, such as age. If you pay attention to drawn mediums you will notice certain consistencies in the way characters are portrayed depending on where they fit in. Older male characters will generally stand larger and have much more developed muscle mass than younger male characters who will generally stand smaller and have a more wiry frame. Male characters who rely on speed and agility will be muscled.but more lean and more along the lines of a normally muscled human as opposed to the ripped body builders other males have in order to make them look strong and mature, but like they can move around fast and nimbly. This is because things like the face cannot convey age, so you have to rely on secondary characteristics like the shape and type of body to separate the aduls from the young teens.
The chiseled, lantern jaw on a male makes the character look strong and heroic.Hence why it is so common.If a character has is an anti-hero expect them to be dressed in black, or leather, and carry guns, you get the idea.A medium such as comics uses visual imagery to convey ideas to the reader, otherwise you would may as well be looking at a real book.
The same is true in the arena of females in drawn mediums.Older females will be drawn with more developed and defined bodily structures because curvy hips and bodies are associated with maturity. The same holds true for the size of the bust.You will notice a direct correlation to the age of the character and the size of their chest.The larger women will be the adults while all of the teenagers will be generally less developed. Again, because it’s a visual shortcut to show maturity and age, and comics are a visual medium.
Cute,but not very threatening.

Cute,but not very threatening.

Hot and Badass.She will end you.

Hot and Badass.She will end you.

It’s also a visual shortcut for strength. Having curves and a large bustsize makes a female look more solidly built and more powerful and physically intimidating. Compare say Black Canary to Arrowette. Which one looks like she can kick your ass? You can actually see this directly at work in comics by looking at who the most powerful characters are. In DC Wonder Woman and PowerGirl are the powerhouse female characters and ,not uncoincidentally are the largest as well. Same with She-Hulk in the marvel universe.
The point that I’m getting at is this. Fem Thor looks like a fifteen year old girl.This is acknowledged in the comic too,one of the first things that happens when she faces her opponents for the first time is that they comment on how scrawny she is.There are several times when the way she’s drawn makes her look like that helmet and outfit are a size too big for her.This wouldn’t be so bad if they were trying to subvert the notion of an obviously mighty hero like Princess Powerful in the Runaways, but they aren’t. They very clearly want this Thor to be taken seriously as an impressive warrior figure.And she isn’t.When she fights Absorbing Man the first panel makes him look almost twice her size.This character is so incredibly unimpressive as a superhero.
Seriously,his hands look like they could palm her whole head,helmet and all.

Seriously,his hands look like they could palm her whole head,helmet and all.

One important thing that I notice now after having read all of the comics that exist right now is that Thorina is essentially useless in this story.Five comics in and she has done absolutely nothing of any significance to the story.She spends issues 2 and 3 just smacking around Frost Giants which does nothing (actually the whole Frost Giant invasion ends up being bafflingly pointless), issue 4 fighting Thor (which is pointless and only serves to try and shill the idea that she’s more worthy than him down our throat, even though she still does nothing that makes her worthy), and issue 5 she fights Absorbing Man in the name of feminism (which again is utterly pointless) and has a pointless talk with Freyja. The entire plot is carried out by all of the other characters.Real Thor is still more of a protagonist in this comic than she is.
Anyways, to go back to where I was before, after Malekiths fuck you to the fans of wearing Thor’s severed arm around his neck like a fur stole he and his Frost Giants chase Dario Agger into the basement of his facility where he’s keeping the skull of Lauffey. Which Malekith wants and he’s manipulating the Frost Giants to get.
Confronted by a group of Frost Giants directly in his path Agger begins to coolly pull off his glasses to reveal his glowing red eyes while letting forth with a badass comment, fully ready to get dangerous…..when Thorette comes crawling up from out of the ground in a badly drawn couple of panels. Essentially stopping the about to happen bad ass action scene in its tracks so everyone can gape at her. Instead of the awesome fight that had just been set up we get Thor crawling (not flying mind you,she could have burst through flying but I guess that would have been exciting) but crawling up through the floor while everyone stares at her stupidly. Effectively the main character herself is cock-blocking the action scenes in this comic.
Looks like the beginning of an awesome battle between a psychopathic villain and an army of frost giants....nah fuck it.Where's the bland boring heroine?

Looks like the beginning of an awesome battle between a psychopathic villain and an army of frost giants….nah fuck it.Where’s the bland boring heroine?

We take a few panels for the men to have the now-obligatory conversation where they laugh at and mock the idea of a female Thor.Pointing out how small and scrawny she is and that she’s a poor imitation of Thor. Which they’re right about, of course, but the comic doesn’t seem to realize it.
Men always mock and disparage women who try to do male jobs.Get it! Get it! We're so SUBTLE!

Men always mock and disparage women who try to do male jobs.Get it! Get it! We’re so SUBTLE!

I do have to wonder why they’re being so dickish about the idea of fighting a woman though.These are Asgardian creatures.Norse mythology and Asgard are filled with women who routinely kick so much ass they wear perfume specifically designed to remove buttock smell. Not to mention the huge number of female non-norse superheroes that exist in comic books. You would think they would know better than to mock or underestimate a character just because she’s a girl.Well I don’t actually wonder why because we all know why.
In a brilliant new tactical move,Thorelle throws her hammer at them, which zips around the room under it’s own volition and smacks all of the Giants (because the hammer can suddenly do things on it’s own now), but the hammer isn’t quite that smart apparently as it ends up on the other side of a closing door away from our main character. Apparently this presents a problem as Thorella quickly loses her powers if separated from the hammer.Why?……..I got nothing.
Thorina tries to break down the door with puny little arms but can’t because it’s supposedly enchanted as well as being made out of something very tough.Which is why the hammer can’t come back to her and just pounds on the door impotently.
Behold the mighty arm of Thor.

Behold the mighty arm of Thor.

Of course the hammer can pass through solid objects, dispel magic, and teleport, not to mention that since it’s obviously now sentient it should be able to figure out to maybe try the wall or the floor, but I’m sure the writer thought of that and just didn’t want to burden us with the explanation.
Realizing she’s kind of screwed she turns back to Malekith and banters with him for a while as he gloats about what he did to Thor.She tries to act tough with her words but her thought bubbles say otherwise, and I can’t help but think that she’s wasting a lot of time talking while her power is supposed to be draining away from not having her hammer anymore.And if you have a weapon that causes you to lose your powers if you’re separated from it for more than a few minutes, why the fuck would you throw it in combat?
Seems kind of stupid to me.
The Giants play another round of “let’s stand here and loudly point out how lame this female superhero is” before one of them decides to kill Miss Thor by simply spitting on her.Which kind of sums up a lot of peoples feelings on this comic.She dodges until their leader gets bored, freezes her and eats her.
Of course you all know what’s obviously coming next, she blows him up from the inside in a show of force that would be kind of impressive with a better artist.Before proceeding to hand all of them their asses in a very boring display of combat.
Wonderful art.A giant clusterfuck of various blues.There will certainly be no problem in conveying the action if you do that.

Wonderful art.A giant clusterfuck of various blues.There will certainly be no problem in conveying the action if you do that.

I suppose I should explain that. If you’ve been paying attention you’ve probably realized already that one of the big problems with Thoranna is that she’s a Mary Sue. At no point in these comics is she ever really in danger nor does she even get hit. Throughout all five issues, in which pretty much all she does is fight, the only time she gets hit is once in her battle with Thor.Kind of, it’s hard to tell with the artwork. Every opponent she fights, she basically just one-shots. Of course the Frost giants end up screaming in fear at what a mighty warrior she is…..but she really isn’t.Hell she barely even ever throws a punch.I think she throws two punches out of all five comics.Mostly she hits people with other stuff, or lightening.What?Is she afraid to break a fucking nail?
You can seriously break down her entire repertoire of combat moves as this:Charge at enemy and hit it with hammer/hastily improvised weapon, throw hammer, blast with lightening. That’s it.I just described every fight move to you.Even Thor doesn’t actually challenge her, she’s just not really fighting back because she doesn’t want to hurt him.
During this time Malakith used his magic to go through the door into the vault after Agger,which apparently the hammer can’t do for some reason.And FemThor goes back to frantically trying to open up the door beforeher powers fade.
While she’s doing this a Frost Giant starts to sneak up behind her hoping to stab her in the back…….no seriously, a Frost Giant actually sneaks up on her.But the door suddenly opens, the hammer comes whipping out and blows through the Giants head, because why should she have to do anything.
It’s at this point that Thor shows up,now with a new arm forged by the dwarves and demands his hammer back.For some strange reason more than a little perturbed, and when Thorentina makes the mistake of accidentally insulting him he attacks her, which starts the fight between them, and honestly this is the one part of the comics so far that is actually decent.Not great, but certainly decent. Thor gets progressively more pissed off as the battle rages on, largely at seeing how much of a copy she is.He even lampshades the fact that she talks exactly like him. The writer tries to portray this as though Thors being hot-headed and stubborn without reason, but he has every reason to be pissed off right now so it kind of falls flat. Especially since at this point, his mother is missing and he thinks FemThor is responsible. Thorina makes no real effort to calm his rage either.Aside from a token sentence in the beginning most of the fight all she does is try to smack talk back to him.It never occurs to her to say something like “I don’t know what happened to your mother, but if you’ll just listen to me for a moment I’ll help you find her.” Or actually answer a question or two, she just kind of dicks him around and starts telling him how the hammer chose her as the worthy one. Because that will, of course, completely make him willing to listen to her. So it makes her claiming that he’s being unnecessarily hot-headed ring a little hollow.
What’s actually funny is that in the process of the fight they actually argue about which of them is worthy….and Thordame can’t actually come up with an argument for her worth. The best she can manage is to repeat that the hammer chose her…..for some reason.Thor, meanwhile, makes an awesome argument for why he should wield the hammer. That he has wielded the hammer through countless battles, he has fought with the hammer, died for the hammer, and he is prepared to die for it again.
But fuck that,apparently.The hammer zips around and smacks down a few more Frost Giants before flying back to her hand, totally dissing Thor. He stands there stunned at what the hammer just did, remarking that it never behaved like that for him, and this convinces him that she actually was chosen by the hammer to be the Goddess of Thunder……WHY?
They beat up the Frost Giants in a single panel and all the time Thor monologues to himself about how much better Mjolnir is in her hands, which makes sense I suppose because she barely uses any of its powers or seems to acknowledge any of the many things it can do, instead just smacking things and hitting them with lightening.And as he sees how great she supposedly is he says that he dies inside pitifully. Where the fuck is our God of Thunder and how did he get replaced with this whiny bitch?
Once the Gianst are dead Malekith takes off, but just to add another stake through the hearts of the fans, he takes Thor’s severed arms and torches it to cinders.Because Marvel hates its fans just that much apparently. I think it would have been less offensive if they had just come up to every fans door, rung the bell and pissed on your living rug, but I guess they wanted to send a message.
Ahhhh,I love the burning smell of "fuck you"in the morning.

Ahhhh,I love the burning smell of “fuck you”in the morning.

On her way to fight the Frost Giants, Thorita had seen a bunch of people trapped in ice, she didn’t bother to help them or anything of course, and they both go back to get them out. Turns out it was Freyja and a company of warriors from Asgard. Since Odin had abandoned Earth,she went behind his back and led a company of warriors to Earth to fight alongside the Avengers.
Gee,thanks for not showing us that part, comic. Why would we want to watch something as awesome as the armies of Asgard and Earths mightiest superheroes teaming up to fight an army of Giants, when we can watch Thor get his arm cut off and defenstrated into the ocean.
And I hate to bring this up again,but Freyja is a War Goddess.How does she get taken out by a few Frost Giants,when even a depowered, one-armed Thor could walk through them?
So,since Thorette is a Mary Sue, everyone now has to stand around and Marvel at how awesome she was for fighting the Frost giants and stopping the invasion, even though we just finished establishing that the real Thor could have wiped them out on his own, powers or not. So what exactly she did that was so special, we have no idea. But apparently she is so awesome that Thor gives her his name.Literally, he is now the Odinson onlyaccording to him.She is now Thor in powers and name. Why?
Because FUCK YOU,that’s why!
Thor gives up his name due to the bizarre whims of a magical metal mcguffin. Or is it just horrible writing?

Thor gives up his name due to the bizarre whims of a magical metal mcguffin. Or is it just horrible writing?

This comic ends with Malekith approaching Agger and offering to buy the item from him what he was trying to steal with the Frost Giant army. To which Agger readily agrees….yeah remember what I said before about that whole invasion thing being bafflingly pointless?
I’m going to just go fast through the last one because most of the problems with these scenes I’ve already pointed out,so it would be repetitive, and ultimately there’s one big problem with this issue and I don’t want to have to go over it multiple times. Basically here are the highlights.
1)Odin becomes and even more massive dick and is now a flat-out Stalinesque tyrant and villain. Who treats his wife and favoured son like dirt.He also frees his psychotic mass-murder brother and makes him his chief inquisitor, and is so obsessed with getting rid of female Thor that it is all-consuming and distracts him from all other concerns.
2)Freyja arranges a secret meeting with Thorelle to warn her about Odin and they share a little girl power moment about how they’re both women willing to defy what the men tell them they can’t do.
3)Thor gets drunk and pathetic in a bar and has to be carried out by the warriors three.
That’s pretty much it.
Except for the big one.
I saved this one for last because it’s the one that’s the most obvious example of what I’ve been talking about the most rage-inducing. This is the scene that prompted the article on Breitbart and caused fanboys to rage.
It starts in a sort of side scene in which Thorelle is fighting Crusher Creel the Absorbing Man, and his wife Titania. Creel is one of the classic Thor villains and one of Thors most powerful foes to fight.Along with his wife,who is one of the most powerful female characters in Marvel universe.So you’re thinking, ooohhhhh, finally a tough fight.A good chance for Thorena to show us finally that she’s got some real fighting chops and might actually be a decent Thor.
You can probably already guess it’s not going to end like that.
First, take a look at this panel.
Damn feminists are ruining everything?Huh?You know I seem to recall that sentiment coming from a lot of the comic book fans who were complaining about this comic........probably a coincidence, right?

Damn feminists are ruining everything?Huh?You know I seem to recall that sentiment coming from a lot of the comic book fans who were complaining about this comic……..probably a coincidence, right?

Next panel.

Get your own identity....that is what all of the detractors of this comic have been saying.So in other words they're using Crushing Creel,a walking neanderthallish thug, as a mouthpiece for the people that are criticizing them....huh...well I'm sure that they have a reasonable and intelligent counterargument to that amd will support their position rationally.

Get your own identity….that is what all of the detractors of this comic have been saying.So in other words they’re using Crushing Creel,a walking neanderthallish thug, as a mouthpiece for the people that are criticizing them….huh…well I’m sure that they have a reasonable and intelligent counterargument to that amd will support their position rationally.

Further down.
Yeah,I'm sure you knew where that was going.

Yeah,I’m sure you knew where that was going.

So that’s their response to their detractors.She just punches him,breaking his jaw, for disparaging feminism. So basically the writer’s and skid stains at Marvel couldn’t actually address their critics directly because they clearly had no defense for this bullshit.So they put a bunch of strawman arguments into the mouth of a brutish thug and had their Lady Thor show them what-for with her fists of feminist fury.
Are you happy,Marvel?Are you really?You just used wasted five comic pages,quite a bit of money, employed bad writing and characterization, all to win a goddamn argument on the internet.You have officially turned the Thor comic into Sonichu.You may as well just put Chris-chan on the payroll.
So to place the cherry topping on this shit sundae Titania decides to show up about then.Upon seeing Dame Thor she has the typical surprise of seeing a woman acting as Thor….then knocks her husband out and surrenders in the name of the sisterhood.No seriously, take a look.
I WILL respect your vagina.I will bow before it!

I WILL respect your vagina.I will bow before it!

Same broken old record.

Same broken old record.

The Power of Vagina Comels You!

The Power of Vagina Comels You!

If you ever hear someone say to you that Marvel is not doing this to pander to and whore themselves out to feminists, just show them this issue. Seriously, could this be anymore blatant?It would have been more subtle if Thorelle had just premptively broke into a song and dance number about how men are always trying to keep women down while holding a copy of the SCUM Manifesto.
By the way,for those who don’t know about Titania one of her main character traits is that she is obsessed with being the strongest woman in the world.It’s why she hates She-Hulk so much.Sooooooo, one would think that now that there’s a female Thor she would go straight for her and try to establish who wears the Mommy-panties.
Instead she gives SheThor a frakkin Girl Power pass.Meaning that we get another action cockblock and She Thor wins because vagina.
I want to make this clear.In the course of five issues, The Mighty Female Thor,The Great Warrior who is worthy of wielding the legendary hammer Mjolnir. has only managed to defeat a few Frost Giant mooks.Every major villain has either escaped,been let away,or has surrendered for a contrived and audience-insulting reason.
I was not kidding when I said before that this character is utterly worthless to the plot.You could literally just remove her and everything would have stayed exactly the same.She fights the Frost giants in the second and third issues yes, but by the time she gets to the actual villains and real conflict Thor has arrived too.Which means that if she wasn’t there,Thor would have shown up at the exact same time to handle things,and again, Malekith just runs away anyhow.The conversation she has with Freyja is irrelevant to the plot as well, and the whole girl-power-go-feminism scene with Titania and Creel was just a pointless aside that was tossed into the issue so that they could deliver their go-gyno-go message and pummel their strawman critics.There is not a single thing that this character does which has any bearing of any kind on the plot.Real Thor,even with no hammer and one arm, is still far more of a protagonist than this scrawny little piece of feminist fluff is.
And this basically accentuates the glaring problem that overwhelms the entire comic. That as everyone has pointed out before, it’s a feminist propaganda vehicle and nothing more.And just like every other one of it’s kind it sucks because it has to sacrifice telling any sort of decent story in order to perpetuate it’s ideological narrative.
SheThor is, at her core, just a vehicle for feminist commentary about what it’s like for a woman to be trying to do a job traditionally done by a man. Or at least how they imagine it is for a woman to do such a thing.Every character talks about her as if she is a woman first and foremost, before she is any real person, in fact almost every scene has someone mention at least once that she’s a woman trying to fill Thors shoes. The men all make fun of her for being inadequate and doing a mans job, telling her she can’t do the job as well as a man, and we’re supposed to take her side and recognize her as a strong and tough woman who is not just as good as a man,but better. Except that, they’re right.She is completely inferior to the man she’s replacing.
Hell, the only reason she even has a comic is because they used writer fiat to take the powers away from the man and give it to her.She’s powerful and special only because the hammer says so.With no endearing qualities because the only quality she needs to display is the shallow feminist-induced qualities that she needs to make their case.
One of the largest flaws with feminisms pretensions to trying to teach society to think of women as strong is that they don’t understand how strength works. They think of strength as some kind of default state which one has by virtue of birth and just needs to be recognized by everyone else. Of course a strong person doesn’t need to have themselves validated like that, but that’s a bit complex for them.Which is why they keep demanding to be treated like strong women and equals to men.
What they don’t grasp is that strength is not bestowed by common consensus. It’s earned, it’s forged through trial and suffering. It’s proven. The reason men are considered to be strong is because traditionally men are the ones who do the hard work.Men are the ones who fight the wars and suffer to protect and defend their loved ones.It isn’t that some group got together one day and decided that we should label all men strong and all women weak. And this applies to women too,the women we think of as strong in real life are the ones who have fought and overcome the difficulties of life.
We don’t think they are strong simply because they are women. Having a vajayjay does not make you strong, anymore than having a pee-pee does. But feminists want to be strong because they’re women, not because they really are strong.They want the perks,but not the work.Because they can’t do the work. In any sort of merit-based system they lose spectacularly.
Compare SheThor to real Thor in this. Thor spends all four issues fighting to save Midgaard from the Frost Giants, despite being constantly knocked down and kicked around by his hammer and even losing his arm to the villains.At no point does he waver in this, even at the worst of times. He fights constantly to protect the people of the world that he calls home, no matter what it costs him, and it costs him a lot in this comic.
SheThor does nothing useful,suffers nothing, has nothing to overcome, and the only time she actually gets in any sort of trouble is because she was stupid and lost her hammer on the other side of a closing door.
To quote Linkara “Our hero,ladies and gentlemen”.
Also to quote Linkara “This comic sucks”.
Even if you fix all of the technical flaws and ignore the genderflipping and degredation of a beloved superhero, the plot is dull and relies on fiat, the characters are horrible and unlikely,and the hero of the story isn’t.
Fuck this shit comic,Fuck Marvel,and Fuck this insipid blonde bimbo they put in a red cape.
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