Marvel Pimps Out Thor. Told You So. (Slightly NSFW Edition)

 Well,as the title says,I fucking called it.
Those who may have paid attention to my blog or my channel may remember that about a year ago when Marvel announced that they would be introducing a new female Thor I pointed out that this was an obvious and blatant act of pandering to feminists that would be pointless,used to spread feminist propaganda, and ultimately would suck more than the collective lineup for naughty america.
Seriously, 2172 porn stars in 6803 videos cannot fuck enough to match what Marvel did their to own franchise in five issues.

Seriously, 2172 porn stars in 6803 videos cannot fuck enough to match what Marvel did to their own franchise in five issues.

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What I didn’t expect was how blatantly obvious they would be about it. A recent article from Breitbart drew my attention back to it, where they called out the obvious feminist attempts to co-opt the comic. You can read the article itself,but this event convinced me to go and actually read the comic for a bit; something which I had never opted to do before becuause I had literally not even a tenth of a fuck to give. But, I did it anyways and here we are. And all I can say is…………fuck.
Now I only read the first two and the fifth one, because those were the only ones I found to download online.And no, there is no way I was paying for this shit, fuck you. So it is entirely possible that the mid-two that I’m missing are better than the others but it would pretty much have to teleport a harem of Japanese prostitues into my room and come with free cake before it could even be considered halfway decent.
Now, if I could reiterate what was stated in the previous article, the main reason that this idea is stupid is that there is no possible reason to do it. Marvel is already full of female superheroes.They just aren’t as prominent because they don’t sell as well (for reasons we’ll get into another time),So if you want a female solo comic, there are dozens of already existing female characters with already existing fan bases to use.Or create an entirely new character.But no,instead they took a pre-existing character and chicked him out.And I do mean they chicked him out, they can’t go more than five pages without pointing out that Thor is now a girl,(but we’ll get to that later too). My point is that instead of trying to make a comic with a good female character that would hopefully sell well they took an existing male character and ruined his comic. Because feminists can never create, they can only co-opt and infect.
Oh, and to all of you bozos trying to defend this shit that keep saying “oh well Thor has been turned into a girl before!”. I know that. And it sucked then too. But at least the last time they did it it wasn’t a bunch of pandering ideological bullshit to the lowest common denominator, so shut up.
And it is not an exaggeration or an inaccuracy to say that this is made solely to pander to feminists.It is painfully, horrifically, ham-fistedly obvious that this was written by feminists. How is it obvious?Well let me go down the list:
1)Every male character including Odin and Thor are suddenly macho chauvanistic assholes who treat women as inferior.
2)Every female character is suddenly right and wise and virtuous and due to take their proper place if only the men wouldn’t stop them.
3)I mentioned this before but it bears repeating that every character focuses solely on the fact that Thor is a woman. In fact “Thorina” really has no character aside from being a woman and a feminist strong woman.Which makes her as interesting and compelling as you would think it does.
4)The character is treated as being special solely because she is a woman, despite the fact that she does nothing out of the ordinary for any other superhero and has no special qualities or accomplishments under her belt.In fact why she is even worthy of Thor’s hammer is beyond me,and the comic sure as hell doesn’t bother to tell us either.
I have some others, but you get my point. So let’s look at the comic itself.
The whole thing starts off with Odin being gone for a while and his wife Freyja being left in charge of things at home. Upon his return he finds out that Thor has lost his abilities to lift his hammer. Supposedly while battling on the moon Thor encountered Nick Fury (currently in possession of secrets gained from the Watcher). After the situation is resolved Fury leans over to Thor and whispers something into his ear.Upon hearing what Fury is whispering to him, Thor drops the hammer to the ground and is thereafter unable to pick it up.
………Because Fury whispered something.
I’ll repeat this:Fury whispered something to Thor that altered his mind, thought processes, personality, and soul so much that it rendered him instantly unworthy of being the God of Thunder.In fact so much so that Thor goes into a deep depression and by issue #5 is essentially a drunken lush who needs to be carried out of the bar by the Warriors Three as he mumbles piteously under his breath after getting a mug of ale tossed into his face by Lady Sif.
Nevermind that he lost his powers and got a shot in his worthy balls just before losing his arm.Leave it to Syf to kick him while he's down.

Nevermind that he lost his powers and got a shot in his worthy balls just before losing his arm.Leave it to Syf to kick him while he’s down.

 

The Mighty Thor, ladies and gentlemen.

The Mighty Thor, ladies and gentlemen.

Of course for some strange reason they never actually tell you what it was that Fury said to him.Now, if I were a cynical sort of person,I would say that this is because they had no good reason for this and are just trying to make it vague and mysterious to give themselves a bullshit barrier to retreat behind. That way when people call them out on how stupid it is they can claim it’s for a dramatic reveal or something. If I were a cynic. Instead I’ll just say that this is likely a case of leaving it vague for the purposes of inspiring drama and fan theories,keeping the readers interested in wanting to know more.
Anyways, the entirety of Asgard turns up around the broken and despondent Thor, who does not eat or sleep and has spent the previous days sitting half naked on the moon talking to his hammer like a heartbroken lover (so not kidding). Apparently each of the mightiest warriors and gods of Asgard tried to lift the hammer,I say apparently because they don’t bother to actually show this,and none of them could do it. So Odin comes in and gets the exposition on what happened, in the process managing to be both callous and a dick to his son, while blaming this all on leaving a woman in charge of Asgard.
Kudos to the writer for managing to go a whole four pages without having Odin say something misogynistic.I think that's a personal best for this series.

Kudos to the writer for managing to go a whole four pages without having Odin say something misogynistic.I think that’s a personal best for this series.

So since none of Asgards greatest and mightiest heroes can lift the hammer,Odin decides he’s had enough and goes to grab it himself…..and can’t lift it.
The father of the gods, the All-father, One-True Ruler of Asgard, Mightiest of all the Gods, the one who put the enchantment on the hammer in the first place…..cannot lift the hammer.
Why?Because FUCK YOU, that’s why.
The comic answers a lot of questions this way.
I wonder if the writer,when composing this, actually remembered that Odin is supposed to also be the God of Wisdom. I'm guessing no.

I wonder if the writer,when composing this, actually remembered that Odin is supposed to also be the God of Wisdom. I’m guessing no.

Odin throws a hissy fit like a little girl who didn’t get the pony for her birthday when he gets a message that the Frost Giants are invading Earth.To which Odin declares that none of that is their problem and it’s for them to get out of there, leaving humanity to get the Frost Giant Gangbang. Freyja tries to use her authority as All-Mother to rally the soldiers of Asgard to protect Earth, but Odin essentially tells her to get back in the kitchen where she belongs and they leave with the hammer still on the moon.
You know feminists, why not just have him tell her straight out, "Bitch, make me a sandwich!" Too subtle for you?

You know feminists, why not just have him tell her straight out, “Bitch, make me a sandwich!” Or would that be too subtle for you?

Thor does go to fight the Frost Giants, of course, but he gets his ass kicked and his arm cut off within the first few panels by Malekith. Who then wears it like a trophy throughout. He then gets tossed out into the ocean like garbage.
It's kind of subtle, but if you look close you can just see that middle finger sticking up, as a message to the fans.

It’s kind of subtle, but if you look close you can just see that middle finger sticking up, as a message to the fans from Marvel.

As the hammer sits there alone on the moon some unidentified woman picks it up without effort and for some reason BOOM! she’s Thor.
I can’t even begin to tell you all how astoundingly unimpressive this new Lady Thor is, by the way. Part of it is because there is literally nothing to this character aside from having the hammer and female lady bits. The comic implies that the woman who took up the hammer is some other woman from the Thor mythos, but they try to keep her identity secret and go out of their way not to give it away because there’s this whole subplot with real Thor trying to figure out who she is. This means that we only ever really see her interact with her foes,aside from a few other scenes with real Thor and Freyja, but we never see anything of her.
Brief Sidenote: Speaking of Freyja, you’ve seen how she looks in this comic so far?That withered,kind of matronly old woman? This is what she’s supposed to look like.
Apparently no one told the writer and the artist that, aside from love and beauty, Freyja  is primarily a war goddess. Probably the same asshole who forgot to tell them about Odin and wisdom.

Apparently no one told the writer and the artist that, aside from love and beauty, Freyja is primarily a war goddess. Probably the same asshole who forgot to tell them about Odin and wisdom.

Even the enemies just gawk at how weird the idea of a female Thor is like she’s a cheap carnival novelty act. Which she is, of course,but they shouldn’t make it obvious.
Another part of this is because what character she does have is utterly inconsistent from one moment to the next.When Thorette first transforms she essentially turns from whatever she looked like before into a female version of Thor.She also seems to have adopted Thors archaic method of speech and knowledge about Asgard and other things magical and mythical. Along with her spoken words she has constant thought bubbles remarking on what she’s doing as though she’s an observer while her body is doing the work.The effect it gives is like she’s actually being possessed by Thor, but still aware of it.Yet she demonstrates that she’s also in control of her actions to at least some extent so it’s a very strange thing that you end up with.
The voice in her head makes her sound like an in over their head rookie who has no idea of what they are doing or how to fight,and I can’t tell you how lame this is, because it essentially means that she’s not actually doing any of this on her own.The hammer (which is what the entity using her body is implied to be) is propping her up and doing everything for her. There’s one part in the second book where she actually asks the hammer to let her take the lead and do something.She shows absolutely no strength of will or character, no particular bravery or any redeeming qualities that might make her a worthy successor of Thor.She just hits shit and blows it up with lightening and doesn’t even do that on her own.She doesn’t even demonstrate any particular level of intelligence or wisdom.Certainly no tactical knowledge.
She runs into a group of Frost Giants, she hits them with the hammer and blasts them with lightening (I think that’s what she did anyways,the artwork is such shit I could be wrong,but she shot blue lines of stuff at them). She runs into the next group of Frost Giants, she throws her hammer at them, losing it in the process. She runs into the Absorbing Man and Titania……and she wins through the power of feminism and the Sisterhood.
I am not fucking kidding.But I’ll save that crowning turd to be flushed last.
Stay tuned for Part 2 because we still have a lot of ground to cover in this.Right now I need to play some Skyrim and cleanse my palette.
Fucking feminists.
 
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One Response to Marvel Pimps Out Thor. Told You So. (Slightly NSFW Edition)

  1. Cell says:

    That comic sounds horrible.Is part 2 going to be just as bad?

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